Do you think of him?
by Thecricketsarecalling
Summary: Set during the end of season 7. The reason why Pam and Ryan are always fighting...
1. Chapter 1

Pam stood behind the building and was sneaking a cigarette. She had a pack she bought last year hid in her desk draw. She had smoked a little back in high school but lately it she every once in a while whenever she felt super stressed. Today was one of those days.

She remembered after breaking off her engagement to Roy she had smoked a whole pack and almost wanted to puke. This was her first cigarette in almost two years. Enjoying the warm spring weather, she leaned against the building and had to smirk. Not even Jim knew she did this, but today she needed it.

She hated whenever the two of them argued. She saw that lately it was becoming a little out of hand and people and beginning to notice. She hated mostly whenever they did it in front of Jim. She just wished that he would have never come back. She could have killed Michael for hiring him again. Now every time she saw him she was reminded of the past.

She hated his little insights, pretending he was so cultured, pretending he was above it all while the truth was he had messed up his life so badly he was stuck and more than likely wouldn't get out. She knew he was jealous of what Jim and her now had, she knew he hated seeing them together or with the baby. She knew it was only a matter of time before things boiled over...

How could she have been so stupid?

Just then she heard his voice and her heart jumped into her throat.

"Got another one of those?"

Pam looked over and saw him walking towards her. His sleeves were pushed up, wearing his vest and tie. She saw he had his hands shoved in his slack pockets, and seemed just as on edge as her. Pam right away felt annoyed. The one moment she wanted to be alone of course he had to come over and bother her.

Pam stared at him before reaching into her purse and taking one out and handing it to him.

"Thanks..."

She took out her lighter and he cupped his hand and lit it before handing it back. Taking a long drag he leaned up against the building with her, staring at the fence and bushes.

"Getting sorta crazy in there huh?"

Pam looked at him, she hated that he was trying to use small talk. Shrugging, she stared straight ahead.

"I guess..."

Inside had turned into a madhouse as they scrambled and tried to find a new manager. Finally Pam had enough and stepped out, she knew Jim hadn't even noticed. He was beyond stressed and trying to solve this nagging problem. Pam had hoped to just step out for a little while and collect her thoughts. It was almost five, and she had to pick the baby up from daycare soon.

"Listen Pam...I'm sorry about earlier I just lost my temper and..."

Pam shook her head before flicking her smoke down.

"It's all right, I was acting like a bitch...we just need to stop the bickering. We're making a scene and you know how people like to talk in there. We agreed we could work under the same roof if we tried to move on you know?"

Ryan nodded, throwing his smoke down as well.

"I'm sorry...it's just after everything that happened I really don't have a place to go."

Pam nodded.

"Tell me about it."

Ryan smirked and Pam noticed how blue his eyes looked at that exact moment. Sighing, Ryan shook his head.

"I just think we need a little space, I'll try to keep my mouth shut."

Pam nodded.

"I'll try the same...I mean we're dealing with an awkward thing you know...us seeing each other every day."

Ryan nodded.

"It's been hard, I'm not going to lie. I'm still trying to look into that job down in Florida with my brother but things are taking forever to pan out."

"It's okay...we just need to be adults, we promised each other."

"Yeah..."

"I better get back..."

"Sure..."

Pam caught his eyes and saw nothing but sadness in them.

"I don't know why I'm still with Kelly..."

Pam was taken aback by this comment, raising an eyebrow she stared at him.

"Then break up with her..."

"I've tried, I treat her like dirt and I don't love her but she takes all my bullshit. It isn't fair the way I treat her but sometimes I think since I'm still here...I use her as sorta as a front you know?"

Pam nodded, deep down inside as much as she didn't want to admit it she felt the same way.

"I'm sure you'll figure things out, you always do Ryan."

"I hope so..."

They stared at each other before Ryan dropped his eyes and cleared his throat.

"How's the baby?"

Pam knew this was hard for him to ask, in fact he often ignored everything whenever Pam or Jim brought her in or showed off the latest photos. She had to hand it to him, he had been the better person coming to the wedding, and then the baby's christening. She knew if that had been her, she wouldn't be able to face it. Here he was watching the life he could have had with her...

"Good, she's getting real big. Starting to talk a whole lot, crawling everywhere..."

"Nice..."

hey stared at each other before Ryan sighed and looked at her.

"Pam?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you...ever think about him?"

Pam sighed.

"Everyday."

Nodding, Ryan kept looking down before turning.

"Thanks for the smoke Pam..."

He hurried away, and Pam knew why...he was holding back tears.

Sighing she fixed the strap of her purse and decided to wait until going back in. Standing there she thought of why exactly her and Ryan's relationship was rocky and on the verge of shattering. Something everyone in the office knew about and had avoided to talk about as the years went on. Something Pam very much knew people whispered about when she wasn't around.

Something Jim had learned to deal with but still seemed so uneasy about.

It was that back when Jim had left Dunder Mifflin for that brief time at Stanford, Ryan and Pam had briefly dated.

Pam had gotten pregnant...and had lost the baby.

A boy...a little boy.

Thinking about this, Pam held back tears of her own.


	2. Chapter 2

_**2007**_

_Pam stared across from her desk at Ryan who was busy attempting to make a sale's call. Pam sat there, watching him closely and suddenly feeling for the first time in a while...content. Just a few months before Jim had kissed her, her reaction hadn't been the best and he decided to finally leave and go to Stanford. It wasn't until after he was gone that Pam knew she had made a terrible mistake. The wedding was coming up and she felt trapped. Finally she decided to take action and finally do something. She couldn't live this way any more._

_She called off the wedding and felt ashamed, yet as the weeks passed she suddenly felt free. She spent many long nights in her new apartment talking to her mother and finally in the end found that she had indeed made the right choice. Things of course had been awkward with Roy still in the warehouse, but slowly the sense of dread and depression was slipping away. Still, day after day she was trying to deal with everything that had happened. She missed Jim and wondered really if she had made the worst mistake of her life._

_Just a few days ago she was in the kitchen at work making herself tea when some hot water splashed on her hand and made her jump. Her mint green tea pot fell out of her hands and shattered across the floor. Right away Pam just stared at it in utter shock before Kevin walked out of the restroom and stared at the mess. Right away a smirk came over his face._

"_Nice one."_

_Leaving, Pam just stared at the shattered remains of the tea pot before slowly getting to her knees. Carefully she began picking up the pieces when the swinging door opened and Ryan appeared. _

"_Jeez, what happened?"_

_Pam couldn't help it. Just last Christmas Jim had gave this to her, now she broke it. Trying not to show him she was on the verge of crying she stared at him._

"_I...b-broke my tea pot..."_

_Right away Ryan's brow wrinkled as he squatted down and started helping her pick up the shattered remains. _

"_Watch it you're going to cut yourself."_

_Ryan said watching Pam try to pick the pieces up. Right away he stared at her and Pam glanced up, meeting his blue eyes. _

"_You okay?"_

_Pam just sighed shaking her head._

"_Just having one of those days..."_

_Ryan nodded._

"_Listen, let me pick up...go get some air."_

_Pam shook her head, trying to focus on the pieces on the floor._

"_No, I'm okay."_

"_Really Pam, it's all right."_

_Pam met his eyes again and couldn't explain how she felt. Instead she just softly smiled fighting back tears._

"_Thanks Ryan..."_

_Getting up, Pam hurried out of the kitchen. Thankfully Michael and Dwight were busy and didn't notice her slip out for a moment. Heading down to the lobby, she felt her hands shaking and knew how stupid she was being. Going out, she stood outside and tried to enjoy the nice weather before thinking about Jim. She couldn't count how many times he had walked her to her car before. Standing there she felt lonely and horrible about herself. A few minutes passed and Pam got control of herself. Taking a deep breath she went back into the lobby and took the elevator up to the office. Once inside she went straight to her desk, knowing there were all ready a million voice messages. Sitting behind the desk, she then saw a cup of steaming hot tea waiting for her._

_Staring at it she couldn't help but smile. Nobody had ever done that for her before. Smiling, she lifted her eyes and looked across at Ryan who was sitting at his desk typing. Right away an even bigger smile appeared across her face as she looked down feeling a strange flutter in her chest. It was a flutter she liked and hadn't felt in forever._

_Meanwhile Ryan had eyed her smiling and pretending to keep working._

_That night she had waited until he got his coat on and walked out the same time as him. Thankfully Kelly was no where in sight. Both didn't say anything as they went into the elevator before Pam smiled and looked at him._

_He really was cute._

_They reached the parking-lot before Pam smiled at him._

"_Thanks Ryan for today..."_

_Ryan smiled back at her._

"_Don't worry about it Pam..."_

_Going to her car, Pam couldn't help but feel better about herself. For the first time in a very long time she felt happy._

_Now here she was, staring at him and finding herself staring at him, almost exactly the same way she used to look over at Jim. She couldn't believe it, before she had never looked at him more than just the temp. A nice enough guy who sadly had to put up with Micheal's strange ways._

_The day turned out to be a very interesting one. Michael had in fact brought poor Oscar out of the closet. The day turned into a very awkward nightmare. By the end of the day, Pam was more than happy to go home. While gathering her things, Ryan walked over._

"_Hey Pam."_

_Pam looked up and smiled._

"_Hey."_

"_Listen, do you wanna get something to eat tonight? Maybe talk about how we're ever going to get that horrible image of Michael kissing Oscar out of our heads?"_

_Right away Pam laughed._

"_Yeah sure."_

"_Great."_

_He smiled down at her and Pam thought, maybe, just maybe things weren't that bad after all._

_Once work let out, Ryan had walked up to her desk asking if she liked pizza. Pam smiled saying of course she did before Ryan offered to drive and once they were done he would drive her back her for her car. Pam sorta wished she had a chance to run home and maybe put herself together, but it was a Tuesday night and she knew this was nothing fancy...yet she couldn't help but feel a little excited. _

_While they were getting their stuff and getting ready to leave, Pam noticed Kelly rush out ahead of them in a huff. She was going to say something but noticed that Ryan was ignoring it. Heading to his car, Pam smiled as Ryan picked some business books off the passenger seat and threw them in the back. _

_The drive was nice, Pam noticed how relaxed Ryan was behind the wheel, completely unlike Roy who used to speed and yell at other drivers. Instead Ryan drove with ease and soft Indie music played from his radio. He had handed his I-pod to Pam saying she could pick whatever she wanted. Scrolling down his play list she had to smile, he had really good taste._

_That's when she brought up the last Christmas party and Micheal's creepy gift. Right away both began cracking up as Pam teased him about Michael always flirting and staring at him. Pam liked hearing Ryan's laugh, it was healthy and something she wasn't used to._

_Once they reached the restaurant, Ryan had been a complete gentlemen. He held the door for her and much to Pam's surprise the place was styled like a 1950's diner. _

"_I've never been here before..."_

"_Yeah it just opened, they have great food."_

_Pam smiled as they went to a booth and ordered drinks. Right away Pam felt relaxed. She didn't know if this was dinner or a date, but whatever it was she felt right. There wasn't any awkward pauses, or search for something to say. Instead they just talked and were even surprised when their food arrived so soon. Both split a pizza a bread sticks and began telling each other a little but about themselves. Pam was sorry it had taken so long for them to finally get to know each other after working in the same office for nearly two and a half years. _

_She told him about her family a little, her music an movie taste which he loved. How she came about working at the office, and mostly her love of art, She expressed how much she loved it back in school and how badly she wished she could go back to it._

"_Then why not?"_

"_Why not what?"_

"_Get back into it, I mean it's what you love."_

_Pam sat there for a second thinking of the millions of reasons of why she wouldn't, but finally sighed and shrugged before laughing and biting into her slice of pizza._

"_I don't know, maybe I will someday. I would love to go to school for it."_

_Ryan then talked a little bit about himself. As weird as it was Pam had no idea he was Jewish. He talked about how he had lived here his whole life, his parent's divorce, his brother, his love of music and dogs, and mostly how badly he wanted to own his own business. He talked a little bit about school and how he hoped this sales job would pan out into something._

_They joked around, mostly talking about work and couldn't seem to stop smiling. For the first time in awhile...Pam didn't think about Jim._

_Finally it was getting late. Ryan insisted on paying the bull and both drove back still talking and really clicking. Their latest topic was Dwight's farm. By the time he pulled into the empty parking-lot, Pam laughed saying she was glad Hank hadn't locked up yet. Ryan parked and Pam was surprised that he was walking her to her car which was only a few feet away._

_Walking beside her, Ryan had his hands in his pockets as her shoes clicked against the pavement. Reaching into her purse she smiled and thanked him again for dinner._

"_No problem, I had a lot of fun."_

_Pam smiled._

"_Me too."_

"_So...what are you doing Friday?"_

"_Friday, um...I don't know?"_

"_Would you like to get some drinks with me at Poor Richards?"_

_Pam smiled._

"_Yeah, that sounds like fun.  
><em>

"_Awesome, can I have you're cell number? I mean we'll talk of course at work I just don't have it..."_

_Pam smiled, she saw he was nervous. Nodding she reached into her purse and took out her cell. Telling him her number he entered it in before smiling and shoving his own phone into her purse._

"_Sweet."_

_Pam smiled at him before he leaned over and very gently his lips pressed up against hers. Smiling through the kiss, Pam couldn't believe how her body felt at that exact moment. Her mouth opened slightly before he kissed her harder and then drew back. Right away Pam smiled at him._

"_Night Ryan."_

_Ryan smiled back at her._

"_Night Pam."_

_That night Pam went back to her apartment feeling the most overwhelming flutter of butterflies go through her stomach. It felt wonderful and she couldn't believe what was happening. She couldn't seem to get him out of her head._

_Right before bed she got a text from Ryan saying..._

_**Had fun tonight, can't wait to see you tomorrow.**_

_Pam smiled, reading the text over and over before slipping into a very comfort filled sleep._

_**Present**_

Pam went straight to the ladies room and went into one of the stalls. It was almost the end of the day and still everyone was trying to figure out what to do about finding a new manager. Standing in the stall for a moment she knew she had to get herself under control. She didn't want Jim to see her upset.

That's when she lifted her blouse slightly and looked at the scar on her lower stomach.

The scar that had been made when they took her and Ryan's baby out of her. Feeling a pang of guilt, Pam put her blouse down and took a deep breath.

Leaving the stall she washed her hands before walking out. Looking at the closet, she saw the door was closed and felt thankful for that. She honestly wanted to just finish up the day without seeing him.

Unknown to her Ryan stood in the darkness of his closet, pressed up against the door and triggering his inhaler into his mouth. His chest felt tight and earlier talking to Pam had upset him. A single tear rolled down his face and he felt horrible.

Why had he brought up the baby? Why?

Hating himself, he closed his eyes and roughly wiped his tear away and wished more than anything that Pam and his son hadn't died.


	3. Chapter 3

"Something wrong?"

"Hum?"

Pam glanced over at Jim who sat beside her in bed. It was a little after eleven and both were exhausted and retired early for the night. Thankfully CiCi had gone down easy earlier and was sleeping peacefully in the next room. Today had been a complete and utter mess, Jim seemed stressed beyond words, and Pam couldn't seem to stop thinking about her little fight with Ryan today. She had tried to hide the fact she was upset since Jim always seemed to be able to read her so clearly. For the first time in what seemed like forever the constant reminder of what had happened was repeating itself over and over and over again. This horrible aching was killing her and she couldn't seem to get it out of her mind.

Pam broke out of her thoughts and warmly smiled at Jim. His hair was a mess and he looked just as tired as her.

"No, just thinking..."

Leaning over and pecking him on the cheek she closed the paperback book she was reading and put it on the nightstand. Clicking off the light, she turned over, hoping if she had her back facing him he wouldn't see that she was fighting back tears. The TV in the bedroom was on low and Jim was watching repeats of some basketball game. She felt her husband shift in bed and sigh before watching the dim glowing TV screen in the darkness of their room.

Pam hated herself, here she was with the man she loved. The man that after everything had happened still loved her and was by her side. She loved Jim beyond words, and couldn't believe how lucky she was...yet here she was laying and thinking back to five years ago. She couldn't believe that if just a few things were different, that she would be laying in some apartment in New York with somebody completely different. That instead of her daughter in the next room, she would have a son. The thought of this brought more tears but she struggled with them. She wouldn't allow herself to have Jim hear her cry.

_**2007**_

Pam sat with Ryan on the hardwood floor of his tiny apartment downtown. It had been nearly two weeks since they had begun 'seeing' each other. At least that's what Pam thought that's what they should call it, even though she didn't exactly know if they should label it or not. Nobody in the office really knew, even though she felt Kelly's eyes burning into her whenever she came over to make copies. She knew it would just be a matter of time before people began talking.

The night after Ryan and her first got dinner and shared that quick yet lovely kiss in the parking-lot, Ryan had walked up to her desk the next day grinning ear to ear. Pam couldn't help but smile, the whole night before she couldn't seem to sleep. All she kept thinking about was that kiss and couldn't believe that she was in fact getting a crush on Ryan. In fact before coming into work she decided to put a little extra effort into doing her makeup and changed into a nice blouse she had been saving for God knows what. For once she didn't feel forty years old. She looked like the pretty girl she always was who seemed to hide behind that desk. Watching him walk over she smiled. He looked very cute in his black suit and blue tie.

"Hey Pam."

He said, right away she saw he was clearly nervous. Smiling up at him she brushed back some of her fallen hair.

"Hey."

"Listen, I just noticed I don't have you're cell number."

"Oh..."

Pam said a little caught off guard, reaching into her purse beside her feet she took her phone out and both exchanged numbers. Right away Pam noticed Angela spying on them, but for once didn't care. Once they switched numbers Ryan grinned and said her what she was doing that night.

For two weeks the two of them had been texting non stop. Almost every night they went out to eat and talked for hours, laughing and enjoying each other's company until it was closing time. One night they got a couple of drinks, another they got sea foot, another Ryan brought her to this Jewish deil he had been going to for years. Much to Pam's surpise she loved it. They went to a movie together, and Pam noticed how unlike Roy Ryan was. He held doors for her, always paid, listened whenever she talked, seemed interested in what she had to say, and seemed gentle. Once or twice he held her hand, and one time while they were having dinner he reached over and brushed some of her hair away from her face. At that exact moment once they locked eyes Pam couldn't help but feel a strange flutter in her stomach.

They seemed to be flirting more now than ever. They sat next to each other in meetings and Ryan always looked up at her whenever he was working and smiled. Pam knew well enough that people had begun to talk, but for the first time ever she didn't care. The night before Pam brought him to this local art galley, hoping he wouldn't think it was boning. Instead Ryan seemed interested looking at all the pieces and asked her if she still painted. Pam shrugged.

"Here and there, wish I had more time..."

"You should keep up with it, I mean if it's something you love."

Pam couldn't help but smile, nobody had ever said anything like that to her before.

Tonight Ryan had brought her back to his place. They had first gotten take out and Ryan asked if she wanted to go back to his apartment to watch a DVD or something. Pam felt slightly nervous but before he picked her up she double checked herself in her mirror and knew enough was enough. She had to move on from the past. Roy and her were over and Jim was gone.

Ryan's apartment was tiny but neat. Pam liked that he wasn't messy like most guys, and had a certain sense of style. He didn't have much furniture, and business books seemed to be stacked everywhere, but it was cute. Ryan said his dog Rusty was over his mother's house, and that he had been renting his apartment for almost four years now. Pam looked around, she noticed he had a basketball, among other things. She also saw on a table a few framed photographs of him with friends and family. Looking at these made her smile, she was glad she was seeing deeper into his life.

After they ate the two of them listened to some music Ryan put on and sat on the hardwood floor talking. That's when Ryan asked if she had ever smoked pot.

"What?"

"Have you?"

Pam smiled.

"A few times in high school with Roy and his friends, why do you?"

"Here and there. I know this sounds like a lame pot head excuse but I got asthma real bad...believe it or not it helps. You wanna smoke?"

Pam thought about this, besides having a few drinks with Ryan and feeling slightly buzzed, he hadn't seen her any other way. She remembered what pot make her feel like, and how last time she smoked she got a horrible case of the giggles and got on Roy's nerves. Not wanting to look too stupid, she thought about it before smiling.

"What the hell, sure."

Ryan grinned.

"Okay hold on a second."

Watching him get up she couldn't help but smile. She couldn't seem to get him out of her head. Lately she had been thinking of every single one of his features. His thick dark brown hair, his big blue eyes, his clear smooth skin...

They had always kissed goodbye each night, but it never went any further than that. Pam thought back on how soft his lips felt against hers and how she always got the slight taste of peaches whenever they did it. How perfect his face fit against hers, and how she always was left wanting more...

He came back, tonight he was wearing jeans and an old faded T-shirt. Pam liked seeing him out of his usual suits, and saw how laid back he really was. Sitting back down Indian style, he opened a small wooden box and began taking out the stuff. Pam sat across from him feeling a little nervous as he packed the glass bowl.

"So how did you get by with the drug testing last year?"

Pam asked smiling. Ryan looked up and Pam knew at that exact moment as he grinned at her, that she was starting to have feelings for him.

"I wasn't smoking at the time thankfully, like I said I only do it here and there."

Pam nodded before Ryan took his lighter out and handed it to Pam.

"Ladies first."

Pam stared at the bowl before softly smiling and holding it up to her mouth. Tilting her hand she lit the bowl and inhaled, right away the smoke burned her throat as she began to cough. Ryan laughed as she handed it over choking.

Ryan took his hit quickly and with ease, he inhaled and slowly let the smoke drift out. Pam watched him still coughing herself before both looked at each other and began to laugh. Ryan handed it back to Pam as she smiled.

"Jesus I'm going to act stupid..."'

"Not stupid, cute."

Pam smiled as she lit the bowl again, knowing if Jim walked in now he wouldn't believe it was her. For once she wasn't playing it safe and liked it.

About twenty minutes later Pam found herself on Ryan's couch. Ryan was on top of her and both were making out like mad men. It didn't take long for the pot to come into effect, and before Pam knew it she shook her head when Ryan tried to pass the bowl to her again. Shutting her eyes she leaned back and sighed.

"Shit...I'm stoned."

Ryan began laughing which set off a series of giggle fits from Pam. Before both of them knew it they were laughing hard enough to almost cry. That's when Pam opened her eyes and looked at Ryan. He never looked more cute than he did before. Leaning over she smiled before he smiled back and tilted his head and kissed her.

The kiss felt wonderful and before Pam knew it they were on the couch.

They were kissing in a frantic manner, their mouths opening and closing. Ryan's tongue tickled Pam as she moaned slightly as his mouth covered hers. At that exact moment the room was spinning ans just feeling Ryan's weight on top of her sent pin pricks up and down her body. Ryan gently kissed her neck and Pam tugged at his hair. That's when she looked at him.

"Do you have a condom?"

Ryan stopped and looked at her, slightly flushed and out of breath.

"Yeah...you wanna?"

Before he could finish Pam grabbed him by the collar of the shirt and pulled him down onto her again. Both kept kissing each other as Ryan's hand slid underneath her blouse and grabbed one of her breasts. His fingers rubbing against her skin, Pam knew she wouldn't be able to take it much longer. Laying back she pulled up her blouse and threw it to the floor. Ryan's eyes widened as he stared at her before pulling his own T-shirt off. Pam looked at his nearly hairless chest and his smooth flat stomach. Right away her hands went up against his chest and pulled him down as they kept kissing. Pam reached down and began trying to unzip Ryan's jeans.

"Hole on..."

Ryan said as he got up, quickly he ran into the next room as Pam laid there panting. Moments later Ryan came back into the room, a tiny foil package in his hands as he sat down on the edge of the couch as Pam began to push down her slacks. Ryan undid his jeans and pushed them down, Pam noticed he was wearing navy blue boxers. Reaching into them he tore the foil and took the condom out.

Staring ahead, Pam watched him as he made a face and began to put it on. A second later she heard it snap, and Ryan looked down checking himself.

"Okay."

Pam smiled as she shoved her slacks and panties down and slowly laid back trying to unhook her bra. It had been years since she hadn't felt embarrassed or shy when it came to sex. For the first time ever, Pam just didn't care. Here she was in Ryan's living room., all the lights on and not even having none care in the world. Ryan slowly climbed on top of her, before Pam reached down and pushed his boxers down.

Feeling his ass, Pam smiled as he hovered above her. Leaning down he gently kissed her before before opening his mouth and deeply kissing her. Pam opened her legs as Ryan slowly laid in-between them. For a moment Pam felt it graze against her inner thigh before he looked down and adjusted himself. Pam held onto Ryan's shoulders, wanting to look right into his face when this happened. Ryan took a second looking down before shutting his eyes for a moment and pushing down.

Pam stiffened.

Ryan raised his head before opening his eyes, he settled for a moment before taking a deep breath. Pushing himself forward, he gave a hard thrust which Pam laid still for a moment. Ryan right away held her slowly hike herself up in a better position before he began to kiss her. Right away he thrusted again, this time slower and more drawn out. Pam held onto him before he started to pick up a pace. Right away in complete silence he laid between her two spread legs on the couch and began to pump himself in and out of her. Pam laid there as he did so her body slightly shaking as his back arched. Pam felt him inside of her, and laid back as he worked himself in and out. Pam felt his balls whack against her as she tilted her head back. At first she wasn't surprised, Ryan seemed too good to be true. Mind you this sex was a million times better than it was with Roy, but this really wasn't what she expected. Ryan lowered his head as he went into her over and over again. Pam laid there, slightly moving like a rag doll as the living room sat in complete silence. Ryan grunted as sweat rolled down his face, he continued going into her before he shifted his pelvis against hers. That's when he stared down at her. Working against, he bounced up and down on her before Pam felt something and couldn't believe it. Right away she stared up at him before she felt pin pricks begin to wash over her body.

She laid there as he stared down at her, working against into her at that exact angle. He held her by the shoulders as he went up and down, making her push down against the couch that was creaking loudly. Pam tried to move but Ryan wouldn't allow her. He weighed her down and kept thrusting away before Pam clutched into him. He roughly went into her and started thrusting as fast as he could. Both of their bodies rocking as the couch got louder and louder.

That's when Pam began to gasp for breath, she opened her mouth as her eyes began to roll back into her head. She had honestly never had an orgasm this strong before.

"R-R-RYAN!"

She cried out loudly as he went into her even harder, Pam squirmed underneath as the orgasm washed over it and lasted for what seemed like forever. Pam cried out loudly before arching her back, feeling unable to move.

_**Fifteen minutes later...**_

"Don't stop!"

Pam begged in a breathless voice. Ryan looked exhausted as he roughly thrusted in and out of her, he was having a hard time finishing while Pam found herself coming down on what seemed like her forth or so orgasm. Laying there she felt Ryan go into her again before stiffening. Pam waited for him and right away felt him finish inside of her. Feeling it fill her, she laid there as he snapped his eyes shut and loudly moaned. Pam laid there for a moment before he finished and colasped against her. Feeling him still inside of her, Pam laid there exausted. She had never had such good sex before in her entire life. Ryan opened his eyes as he stared down at her and smiled. Leaning down he kissed her before roughly pulling out. Pam felt empty with him no longer inside of her and watched him get from between her two spread legs and sit on the edge of the couch.

"Yuck!"

"What?"

"The condom broke I think..."

Pam who still felt very stonned sat up before pulling on his T-shirt which he had thrown down on the floor by their feet.

"It's okay I'm on the pill."

Ryan nodded, that being the last thing on both of their minds as he smiled as stared at her. Pulling up his boxers and jeans, he zipped them up before putting his arms around her and deeply kissing her lips as Pam nuzzled against his neck.

Pam wanted to spend the night but knew she better get going since they had work in the morning and all of her stuff was at her place. He walked her to the parking-lot and kissed her goodbye. Pam smiled kissing his soft lips before he smiled and stared at her.

"I love you Pam."

Pam was slightly taken back by this but smiled back.

"I love you too."

Smiling he kissed her again before she got into her car and drove home. That night she showered and kept thinking back on the amazing sex. Never before in her entire life had she felt so alive before. Drying her hair she changed and climbed into bed, forgetting completely to take her birth control pill.

_**Present**_

It was the middle of the night.

Pam woke up and saw Jim fast asleep. Slowly getting out, she walked across the dark room and down the hall. Going into the living room she grabbed her cell phone and scrolled down the numbers. Finally she stopped and texted...

"You awake?"

A moment later her phone lit up.

"Yeah, why are you up it's almost one two in the morning?"

"Listen I need to see you, mind meeting me someplace?"

"Pam it's two in the morning...where?"

"You know where."

"Let me pick you up I don't want you walking up there alone."

"I'll be fine, just meet me there in ten."

Pam shut her phone off knowing he was going to text more. Instead she grabbed a hoddie and zipped it up before putting her sneakers on. Sighing she went out the back door praying Jim or CiCi wouldn't wake up in the middle of the night. Once outside she sighed, the cool night air felt good against her face. Taking a second she slowly walked across the lawn and into the driveway where her car was. Getting in she stared it half expecting Jim to come out the front door wondering where she was going.

But nobody woke up. Taking a deep breath she backed out of the driveway and began to drive.

She was heading to where Ryan and her son was buried...


	4. Chapter 4

Pam killed the engine of her car before sitting in the driver's seat for a moment. It was late, too late to be in the cemetery, and too late to be sneaking off in the middle of the night while her husband and daughter slept safe and completely unaware to what she was doing at this exact moment. Taking her keys she saw Ryan's car parked further up ahead.

Just a few months who he had leased a car and drove it proudly to work. It was nothing more than a Civic, but Pam knew deep down inside he did this so everyone would stop teasing him about his mother driving him. Sighing, she took her keys and got out. Walking down the gentle slope, she allowed her headlights that still shinned to light her way before finding him.

He was dressed in jeans and a sweatshirt, he was kneeling down picking away any tangled weeds or dried flowers at the tiny headstone. Staring at it, Pam had wished she hadn't of known where the baby was buried. She remembered her aunt had lost an infant years ago when Pam was just a little girl. She remembered her mother told her that the state had taken care of the funeral and her aunt had wished not to know where the child had been buried. She explained it was easier, and didn't have a constant reminder that she could visit and remember the pain and loss.

Pam felt horrible, she hadn't visited the grave in a good two years.

But who could blame her? She now had her own life, her own family...why would she keep digging at a wound that still hadn't healed. It was bad enough that Ryan and her worked under the same roof and saw each other every day.

Turning, Ryan stood up brushing his hands on the legs of his jeans.

"What is it?"

Pam looked at him, he was wearing his glasses and his hair looked freshly showered. Right away, almost ashamed, Pam twisted her hands together before looking up.

"Ryan, I need you to quit."

Ryan blinked.

"You what?"

Pam nodded, trying to get everything she needed to say out at once. She never wanted to come back here or drag it out any longer.

"I know I should have been honest when Michael kept re-hiring you..."

The first time Ryan had come back was after what happened in New York. It was shortly after the baby and his downfall. By then Pam and him had broken up and it was ugly, then of course her and Jim began to date and Ryan found out. This lead to him turning into a cold bitter shell. Somebody who tried their hardest to make their success make up for everything they had lost. Then of course the drugs happened, and finally him getting fired and arrested. Pam had felt sick over this and even worse when Michael hired him back.

Pam of course by then was in art school and was coming back soon. Everyone had talked and things had been more then awkward between Ryan and Jim.

So Ryan lied saying he was going on a vacation.

The truth was he was leaving since he couldn't face Pam and was finally taking his brother's advice and going to rehab.

The second time Ryan needed money badly and had resorted to working at a crummy little bowling alley where everyone treated him like dirt. The moment Michael and Pam walked in, he seemed caught off guard. Pam wanted to kill Michael for contacting him behind her back and said if he was hired on she would quit. Michael of course had taken her out into the parking-lot and said how sorry he was. He explained he understood the history between the two of them but he wanted to give Ryan a second chance.

Pam ignored Ryan the entire time, still so angry after everything he had done and how awful he had acted after everything between the two of them had fallen apart. She told Jim that night she was quitting yet she didn't.

It was awful at first and some nights Pam would lock herself in the bathroom and cry. She didn't understand why she was doing this? What she was trying to prove. Ryan and her fought all the time again and it wasn't until she made her first sale that they seemed to get along.

Before Pam knew it they were back upstairs working. Everyone was talking but Pam had tried to explain to Jim she was trying her best to get along with Ryan and both had agreed they could get along and work together as long as there wasn't any bad blood between the two. Pam was getting married to Jim and starting her new life.

Ryan had lied and said it was fine, but she saw nothing but heart break go across his eyes when she announced she was pregnant.

Now as much as they had tried to avoid each other things were getting worse. They were fighting all the time and it was becoming more and more clear they couldn't handle this.

"Please Ryan, I know I should have said something a long time ago when we talked. I honestly thought we could do this but look at what's happening. We're causing scenes...it needs to stop."

Ryan just started at her before shaking his head.

"What are you talking about?"

"Come on Ryan, look at us. This isn't fair to each other. We tried to make it work and it's only getting worse. I just can't see us working together any more."

Ryan shot Pam a look before shaking his head and shoving his hands into his front pockets of his sweatshirt.

"I should have known you would of done this Pam..."

"Please Ryan, my husband works here...I have a baby..."

"Yeah, and I'm just alone. A little screw up who messed everything up...I know."

"Ryan..."

Ryan shook his head.

"Sorry I can't forget Pam as easy as you do...by the way visit your son's fucking grave once in a while...show a little respect."

Before Pam could say anything Ryan stormed off and went down the hill to get into his car. Pam watched him sighing before turning back to the headstone. Here was their son, the one glimmer of hope they had before everything fell apart. Pam prayed Ryan would cool off and maybe they could get a chance to talk again at work. Looking at the headstone Pam thought of CiCi back home and turned away. All she wanted at that exact moment was to be home with her family.

The same sort of family Ryan and her had tried but had failed at making.

_**2007**_

"I just don't want things to be weird..."

Ryan said leaning against the kitchen counter as Pam fixed herself some tea.

Stamford was coming to their branch, which meant Jim would be working here again. Standing at the counter, Pam felt a nervous sort of excitement flutter through her body. She hadn't seen Jim in months and so much had changed.

"You know...with us and the baby..."

Ryan went on as he drank from his coffee mug. This comment made Pam snap out of her little day dream and look down at her pregnant stomach underneath her blouse. She was a few months along, but all ready she was slightly showing.

She knew that somehow somebody must have told Jim.

She was wondering what he would say or react to this?

Smirking, Pam shrugged.

"What do you mean?"

Ryan shook his head, trying to brush off what he just said.

"Just Jim...I'm sitting at his desk and all..."

"Oh..."

Ryan smirked before walking out of the kitchen and heading back to his desk. Standing there Pam looked down at herself and felt nervous as she bit down on her bottom lip. These past few months had been crazy and she honestly never expected to see herself here.

Ryan and herself had been dating for a little over three months before Pam noticed she was late. By then Ryan was sleeping over nearly every night. Nervous she bought a home pregnancy test and nearly threw up when she saw the result. In a total panic she called her mother and then her doctor. Right away her mom seemed confused, she had heard very little about Ryan and only knew he used to be the temp. Pam freaked out and almost cried when she went to see her doctor and it was confirmed that she was indeed pregnant.

Pam didn't know what to do. Here she was in her late twenties and working at Dunder Mifflin answering phones. She liked Ryan a lot, but with everything that had happened with Jim she couldn't say for sure if she loved him or not. A million thoughts and worries filled her mind before finally she sat Ryan down and told him.

It was one night when he was over at her place. They were watching TV and Ryan had been complaining about his first sales call with Dwight and how horrible it had gone. At first Pam had laughed at his stories of Dwight's farm, then felt guilty when Ryan looked up at her worried that he would never make a sale. Finally Pam sighed. She had known she was pregnant for nearly a week. A secret only her mother knew about. The last couple of days at Dunder Mifflin seemed to drag by. All Pam could think about was what she was going to do. She had tried her hardest to pretend that nothing was wrong. She came in every day, sat behind her desk and answered phones. Just looking at Ryan made her feel sick. Here they were just having fun, being casual and not looking too much into it. In fact besides a few people talking nobody really knew they were seeing each other.

Ryan always came in smiling and the two of them had lunch together. Phyllis had taken Pam aside one day asking if something was going on between them. Pam just shrugged it off saying they were just friends. Kelly on the other hand sensed something and kept trying to pick fights with Ryan and glared at Pam.

Pam knew she had to tell him and made a decision. Finally Pam got up and went to the bathroom while Ryan sat on the couch drinking a beer. Coming back she sat on the opposite end of the couch and deeply sighed. Right away Ryan looked at her and raised an eyebrow.

"What?"

Pam shoved the pregnancy test in his face.

Ryan stared at it for a moment before slowly taking it. Right away his face paled before Pam felt hot stinging tears fill her eyes before she began to sob.

Ryan looked at her.

"Are you sure?"

Pam nodded.

"My mom took me to the doctors..."

Ryan bit down on his lip before looking up at her.

"Is it mine?"

Right away Pam slapped Ryan across the face, her palm cracking against his face. Right away Pam lowered her head ashamed.

"I'm sorry..."

Ryan rubbed his face before loudly sighing.

"You want it?"

Pam looked up.

"You mean you want me to get an abortion."

Ryan shook his head.

"I don't want you to do anything you don't want..."

Pam turned away, tears still spilling down her face.

"Oh Jesus Ryan..."

Ryan and Pam sat in silence before finally he cleared his throat.

"Whoa...a baby."

Slowly his hand went on her shoulder.

"Hey...it's okay...we'll figure something out."

Turning, Pam sniffled before Ryan tried his hardest to smile.

"So one got past the goalie...it happens."

"So you've gotten other girls pregnant before?"

"No, at least I don't think so. Come on Pam...stop crying."

"That's easy for you to say..."

Right away Ryan smirked before touching Pam's arm.

"You want this baby don't you?"

Pam looked at him stunned.

"I don't know what I want Ryan..."

Ryan looked and kept rubbing her arm.

"Listen, I like you a lot...we've been having a lot of fun lately, I'm sure we can figure something out."

Sniffling, Pam looked into Ryan's big blue eyes hoping he was right.

Three months had passed and Pam was now beginning to show. Stanford was now closing and everyone was coming back here. Of course the news had caused madness in the office and everyone was running around like they had their heads cut off.

Pam and Ryan talked things out and in the end Pam decided she did want this baby. That night she first showed Ryan the pregnancy test she asked him to go home. Ignoring his calls and texts she decided to take a few sick days and figure everything out. She did like Ryan a lot and had been surprised by how well they were getting along. But could she honestly see herself having a baby with him?

She still felt so young, she wanted to still do so many things. Any dreams of art school, getting a better job, moving into her dream house were all about to be ruined. Those sick days she took she spent at her parents trying to figure everything out. In the end she finally answered Ryan's calls and asked him to meet her at a coffee shop. There she told him she told him she wanted to keep the baby and it was up to him if he wanted or didn't want to be part of it's life. Ryan told her with honest eyes he wanted to take full responsibility.

That's when he asked what they were going to tell people. At first Pam thought maybe they could say that she had wanted to get pregnant for some time and Ryan offered to help as a friend. Knowing how crazy that sounded she sighed, knowing all ready everyone at the office was going to have a field day finding out.

"It's none of their business, they can find out on their own time."

"So what does that make us?"

Pam shrugged and explained what she really wanted to focus on was the baby, not their relationship, But until then they were just having fun.

Ryan agreed and both played it cool for the next few weeks. That's when Pam's morning sickness began. Feeling exhausted, she would find herself sitting at her desk when a wave would hit her all at once. Feeling it bubble up in her throat she would quickly hurry to the ladies room with Ryan closely watching.

At meetings Pam and Ryan sat together only every once in a while, and at lunch Pam began to distance herself from always being with him. She knew this was hurting him and caught him more than once staring at her from his desk, his eyes full of concern.

Outside of work Pam said she just needed time and space to figure everything out. One Saturday morning, while Pam was kneeling on her bathroom floor hunched over the toilet she heard the doorbell ring. Getting up and shuffling to the floor she felt horrible.

Answering it she saw Ryan, dressed in a T-shirt and jeans. He had a bag with him and right away his bright smile seemed to drop when he saw her.

"You okay?"

Pam shook her head.

"Been throwing up..."

"I thought you were...so I brought over a few things..."

Ryan pulled up a box of crackers and a bottle of ginger ale.

"My mom says that used to help her."

Pam looked at him.

"You told you're mom?"

Ryan looked guilty.

"Not exactly, I was waiting to talk to you...I said it was for a friend. Are you sure you're okay?"

Pam went to say something else when it hit her again, spinning around she hurried down to the bathroom and barley made it. Dry heaving, she felt it all come up as she gagged and choked. Wiping her mouth she deeply sighed before she felt cool hands on her shoulders.

"Shhhh, it's all right."

That's when Ryan gathered up her hair and held it back as she threw up once more. A half an hour later both sat on the cold tile of the bathroom floor munching on crackers as Pam slowly sipped her ginger ale.

"I got a few books...been trying to read up on some stuff..."

Ryan said finishing into the bag again and showing her.

"I couldn't really make any sense of it but I wanted to know what was going on."

Pam stared at him feeling uncertain.

"What's up with you?"

Ryan looked.

"What?"

"I heard you before, all you ever cared about was business school and work. I thought you never wanted to settle down..."

Ryan shrugged.

"I don't see myself getting married, but I always wanted kids."

Pam rolled her eyes.

"That's a lie."

"No honest, my mother used to baby sit kids when me and my brother were younger and I don't know how to explain it...I get a kick out of them."

Pam smirked remembering at the take your daughter to work day how Toby's little girl had crawled underneath Ryan's desk. She remembered glancing over when Ryan sat back as Toby's daughter stood up puzzled then playfully hit his leg and ran off. Pam remembered Ryan watching her before faintly smiling and going back to work. She couldn't understand why that stuck in her memory but as she listened to him she saw that he really wasn't lying.

Rubbing her temples Pam sighed.

"We need to start figuring stuff out."

"Okay like what?"

Pam felt overwhelmed before leaning back against her tub.

"Money, health insurance, God knows Dwight picked the worst plan for us. Telling our parents, figuring out what we're going to do at work, figuring out how we're sharing custody..."

"Well I was thinking about that. I have class Tuesday and Thursday nights from seven to ten. We work Monday through Friday but Michael is really easy going...first thing first we need to disclose to HR and let Toby know..."

Pam shut her eyes.

"Oh God then Michael will know..."

"Pam I lit the building on fire...if I can get through that we can get though this. Once that's over with I'm sure he'll be easy going with letting you take afternoons off for the doctor's. Have you picked one out yet?"

"My mother is helping me. There's this one guy my sister went to who's really great."

"Cool when are you going to see him?"

"Next Saturday."

"Can I come?"

Pam blinked.

"Are you serious?"

Ryan ate a cracker and shrugged.

"Yeah why wouldn't I?"

Pam just nodded as Ryan went on.

"Another thing is why don't you move in with me?"

Pam looked at him as if he was insane.

"What?"

"I have a bigger condo with a guest room. It would make sense since we live on opposite ends of the town."

"What and live there for good with the baby? Ryan I just got this place!"

"You can get out of your lease, besides wouldn't you rather be with somebody."

"What does that mean?"

"It means I can all ready tell your freaked out...I don't want to be shut out of this Pam."

"Why the hell are you taking this so calm? Ryan we're going to have a baby and you're acting like we're setting up house! We're not moving in together! Jesus we were just fuck buddies before this!"

Ryan stared at her.

"Your moody, I get that."

"No you don't! You have no idea what I'm going through! How scared I am! I know what your really thinking! I know you wish I would have gotten the abortion!"

"Jesus Pam of course not!"

"Your such a lair!"

"Pam I didn't want to say this but..."

He looked at her embarrassed. His voice lowered.

"I got into an accident as a kid. I don't want to get into it but it was bad and I hurt myself. The doctors told my mother that the chances of me ever having kids were pretty slim to none. Of course at that age I didn't care but as I got a little older I began to feel self conscience about it. You getting pregnant was a one in a million shot and this most likely will be the only kid I'm ever going to have. So what that it wasn't planned? We're adults and honestly Pam I like you a lot...now if you really don't want to go ahead with this I understand, but I'm excited Pam...sue me."

Pam just sat there in silence, not really able to tell if he was telling the truth or not.

"Really?"

Ryan just stared at her.

Sighing, Pam sat there and began to pick at her nails. Finally she lifted her eyes and looked at Ryan.

"Let's just take it slow okay?"

Ryan nodded.

With that they began to plan.

That Sunday Ryan broke the news to his mother who insisted Pam come over for dinner the following night. After work Ryan drove her and Pam was taken off guard by how warm and friendly Mrs. Howard was. She was a typical older Jewish woman who had a very laid back outlook with her. Mr. Howard had died years ago and she had centered her world around raising her two boys. Right away the moment they came through the door Mrs. Howard hugged Pam saying how pretty she was. Pam smiled before glancing at Ryan who seemed embarrassed.

Over dinner Mrs. Howard who insisted Pam called her Judy asked a million questions, the first made Ryan nearly choke and spit out his wine.

"So how long have you two been sleeping together?"

At the end of the night Pam felt slightly relaxed and was happy that Ryan's mother was so sweet and friendly. She gave Pam her cell phone number and demanded she called her if she ever needed anything and told her she wanted to take her shopping later that month. On the driveway Ryan said how sorry he was, that his mom could be a little overwhelming at times. Instead Pam smiled and said she thought she was sweet.

Pulling up to Pam's apartment building, Ryan walked her to her door before Pam turned.

"I think we should tell HR tomorrow."

"You sure?"

Pam nodded.

"Can't wait forever...and yeah you can come this Saturday to the doctors."

Ryan smiled before Pam caught him off guard and kissed him goodnight.

The next day had been horrible. Pam and Ryan waited until it was slow and went into Toby and told him the news. Toby just sat there and stared. Nervously the two sat side by side before Toby eyed the two of them.

"Are you guys dating?'

Ryan glanced at Pam before she decided to straighten up in her chair and not feel ashamed,

"Yes."

She didn't know exactly why she said this, in fact she had the one to insist that Ryan and her keep things still very casual and just work together as parents of this baby more than anything else. But at this exact moment it seemed right even if it wasn't true. At that exact moment Ryan reached over and held her hand.

Both had to of course sign things and by the end of the day Michael strolled out with Dwight.

"I have an announcement I would like to make!"

"Oh God..."

Pam said trying to look down as Ryan across from her did the same. She knew whenever Toby wrote something up new from HR Dwight would steal it and bring it straight to Michael.

Michael grinned staring at Pam.

"Two of the most attractive members of the office have gotten together and will be welcoming a new member to our office!"

"Huh?"

Kevin asked before Michael ran over to Ryan and began to rub his shoulders, making him look uneasy.

"Ryan, the hottest in the office and our own Pam Beesly are going to have a baby!"

"WHAT?"

Oscar asked as everyone around them looked just as stunned.

"Out of wedlock nice Pam."

Angela mumbled.

Pam felt like she was going to die, looking over at Ryan his eyes looked just as helpless. Just then Kelly who had overheard everything stood in the doorway of the kitchen and screamed.

"I HATE YOU RYAN BAILEY HOWARD!"

Throwing her coffee mug it shattered on the floor before she ran sobbing through the kitchen. Stanley rolled his eyes and went back to his crossword puzzle book.

"How long have you two been having sex?"

Asked Kevin. Right away Michael rolled his eyes in disgust.

"Gross Kevin gross!"

Looking down at Ryan he grinned.

"Was the baby conceived in the office?"

Right away groans of disgust went through the office.

Now just a few months later here they were in the staff kitchen.

"Huh?"

Pam asked as Ryan stirred his coffee.

"You know...with Jim."

Pam stared at Ryan, she hadn't told him about Jim and her kissing before he left.

"You know, with me sitting at his desk."

Pam was relieved to hear this as she laughed it off, saying that it should be fine, and nice to have everything around again. Ryan eyed her for a moment and Pam could have sworn he was reading her thoughts.

A lot had happened in the few months.

Pam had in fact decided to move in with Ryan. It was a decision that took a lot of thought but finally she knew it was the right choice. Both split the rent and Ryan spent that whole weekend moving everything in for her. Both had been getting along and their last doctor's visit everything appeared fine.

Both had also began sleeping together as well.

Pam didn't know what her future held with Ryan, but at the moment she had been pretty happy. Slowly, step by step they were trying to figure everything out. Ryan was excited about the baby and her parents both seemed to have really liked him.

Everyone besides Kelly had settled down at the office, but Pam couldn't help but feel annoyed whenever Ryan and her sat together during a meeting or took the same car and saw Angela staring and Kevin giggling.

Just the night before Ryan had surprised her showing her the guest room which mostly just held some storage of Ryan's things. He had put plastic tarps on everything and told her since he knew how much she liked to paint maybe she could do something with one of the walls for the nursery.

Pam looked around puzzled.

"Will the condo allow me to do this?"

Ryan waved his hand.

"Screw them if they care...I bought non toxic paint so you won't get any fumes...I know how much you like art and stuff and thought it would be something cool to do."

Pam stared at the blank wall knowing it was a lot like their future. Unknown. Turning she knew Ryan was making his best effort to try and do something sweet. Leaning over she kissed his cheek and knew he was more of a friend than anything else.

"Thanks Ryan..."

Now in just the matter of a few days Jim would be coming back. For some strange reason Pam never felt so nervous before in her life. Something she sensed Ryan could see.

The night before the Stanford branch was merging, Ryan and Pam laid together in bed. Pam was on top of him kissing him like a mad woman as his hands went up and down against her arms.

Breaking the kiss Pam stared at Ryan and softly smiled.

"What?"

"Nothing...I'm just glad we're doing this?"

"What? About to have sex?"

Ryan asked grinning. Playfully Pam hit him.

"No, doing this together with the baby."

Ryan smiled softly.

"Yeah me too."

Kissing him harder, Pam tried her hardest to block out any thoughts and worries she had about the next morning.

Of course the morning came, Ryan and Pam arrived in her car and got out. Pam wore a very loose fitting blouse and double checked her hair. Ryan dropped her off at the doors since he was going to swing by and get some coffee and Pam some Tea at the shop down the street. Pam went in and helped Michael set up who seemed just as excited about the new people coming in.

Pam felt giddy and couldn't explain it.

Slowly one by one people began coming in and finally Jim did.

Running into his arms she hugged him with all her might as Jim laughed. Pam couldn't believe how good it was to see him. At that exact moment Ryan walked in with Pam's tea and his coffee.

"Hey Jim..."

Jim turned and grinned shaking Ryan's hand.

"What's up man?"

Ryan eyed Pam for a moment before smiling.

"Nothing much you?"

"Oh you know same old...weird to be back."

Just then Kevin hurried over grinning from ear to ear.

"Pam and Ryan are going to have a baby!"

Jim froze.

Pam saw his smile slowly leave his face before he looked at Pam in utter disbelief, still trying not to show how he really felt.

"What?"

Ryan set down the two cups along with his messenger bag. Right away he stood beside Pam and put his arm around her.

"Due this summer."

Jim blinked for a second looking straight at Pam.

"Wow...wow...that's...awesome."

Turning quickly, Jim was hit by another thing. Ryan had taken his desk. Sighing, he hurried to sit at one of the empty desks while Ryan turned unaware of how badly Jim was taking the shocking news.

"Got you that green tea you like..."

Pam turned with him and looked at the cup before muttering a thank-you. Ryan smiled and kissed her on the cheek and right away Pam felt dirty. Going behind her desk she wished Jim's back wasn't facing her. She wanted so badly to know what he was thinking.

Instead she glanced over and saw Ryan smiling at her. Faintly smiling back, Pam looked down and began to sort through papers, knowing whatever chance she had with Jim as now long gone.

_**Present.**_

Pam returned home and found Jim still sleeping unaware she had even left. Crawling into bed beside him she stared at his face and couldn't help but smile. She was a very lucky woman.

Yet, she couldn't explain why she felt like crying?


	5. Chapter 5

_**Author's note – I did notice I did the time line slightly wrong. Usually I'm good about these things. I'm going to just keep with that it's mid/late 2007 Sorry guys!**_

Pam was exhausted.

Jim and herself had overslept which resulted in them not being able to take CiCi to daycare. Pam kept insisting that they could still swing by but Jim said they needed to get to the office right away and as soon as things calmed down he would drop her off himself in the afternoon. This was something they had done plenty of times, but after last night Pam felt tired and out of sorts.

CiCi meanwhile was in a great mood even though they rushed breakfast. She sat in a lady bug style jumper and giggled as Jim strapped her into her car seat. Babbling the entire ride there, Pam carried her into the lobby saying hello to Hank. Riding the elevator, Jim eyed her.

"You okay?"

"Hum?"

"You just seem a little off, something on your mind?"

Pam shook her head.

"Just tired..."

Once they arrived on the floor, Pam carried CiCi in while Dwight was trying to construct a dart board with all the managers' names who had interviewed. He was explaining that picking somebody would be easy since all they had to do was throw darts and count them up at the cards. Angela was the first one to point out that Dwight had hung his own name up several times.

Pam set her bag down and told Jim she was going to heat up CiCi's bottle. Carrying her, she entered the kitchen before freezing.

Ryan sat at the table reading the newspaper. Usually he was never in this early. Pam right away met his eyes for just a brief moment before going to the counter to fix CiCi's bottle.

There was an awkward silence before Ryan got up. Pam held her breath, pretending to ignore him when he slapped down the newspaper on the counter. Several ads were circled with a highlighter.

"I'm looking for a new job, I called my brother up and he said he could maybe help me if that makes you happy."

Pam didn't say a word when Erin came into the room.

"Oh hey, this your little pumpkin?"

Pam was thankful that of all people Erin was the one to catch them standing beside each other. Nearly everyone had been acting like they were walking on broken glass whenever Pam and Ryan were near each other. Pam couldn't stand this since it was years ago, still she had tried to avoid taking CiCi to work as much as possible.

Pam turned away from Ryan and smiled.

"Yep, here she is..."

Erin opened her arms and held the baby, saying how cute she was. Just then Andy poked his head in.

"Hey Pam mind coming out here for a second? Dwight is trying to throw darts at the wall."

Rolling her eyes Pam didn't even think before hurrying out. At that exact moment she had a million things spinning around in her head, and the last thing she needed was damage to the walls. Erin and Ryan were left alone before faintly the sound of the phone in the next room began to ring.

"Oh shoot..."

Erin turned towards Ryan and handed him the baby, taking him off guard.

"Mind holding her for a second? I forgot to hold the phones while I ran to the bathroom I'll be right back!"

"But..."

Erin didn't listen, shoving CiCi into Ryan's arms, she hurried out as CiCi turned and stared up at Ryan with wide blue eyes. Never before had Ryan held Pam and Jim's daughter before. In fact from the moment Pam announced her pregnancy, Ryan had kept his distance. He acted annoyed, while all this time he was really hurt. Each time he saw or heard about the baby he kept being reminded about what Pam and him had lost.

She had somehow moved on while he worked out of a closet and acted bitter every time he saw her being happy.

Ryan wasn't used to holding babies but CiCi took to him very quickly. Staring up at him she smiled and tugged on his tie. Ryan looked at the baby with uncertain eyes before slowly a smile he never expected showed on his face. She really did look exactly like Pam.

Standing there he wondered if this was what it would have been like to hold his son.

Just then Pam hurried into the kitchen and froze. Speechless she stared at Ryan who quickly snapped out of it and walked over handing the baby over.

"Here, Erin had to answer a phone..."

"Ryan..."

But Ryan didn't listen. Instead he just took his newspaper and went back into the closet slamming the door. Standing there, Pam held the baby and felt heartbroken, knowing how truly guilty she felt.

_**2007 **_

Pam stared at her reflection frowning. She was a little over fourteen weeks and her once perfectly flat pale stomach was beginning to show the first signs of a baby bump. Looking at herself, she didn't notice Ryan behind her searching for a tie. Looking down she sighed. Next week they were going to find out if it was a boy or a girl. The doctor had warned them it was still early, but Pam honestly couldn't wait.

Ryan walked up beside her looking in the mirror and doing his tie. Pam faintly smiled before dropping her shirt and turning towards him.

"Here let me."

Smoothing out his shirt she lifted up his collar and began to tighten his tie. Both were staring at each other eye to eye before Ryan smiled.

"Remember the last Christmas party?"

Pam snorted.

"Yeah when I stole your I-Pod..."

"What a bitch."

Ryan teased before Pam laughed.

"What did you end up with again?"

"Somehow the old shirt Creed gave Jim...I think I still have it somewhere."

Pam smiled before finishing up his tie. Standing back she stared at him.

"Perfect."

"Hey, the roads are supposed to be getting bad. Why don't we just call in. It's just a stupid Christmas party anyways."

"I would but I honestly think Angela would track us both down if we didn't show up to her Nutcracker Christmas."

Ryan laughed before looking down at her.

"How are you feeling?"

Pam shrugged.

"A little tired."

"You slept on the couch again?"

Pam looked at him and nodded, guilt showing in her eyes.

"Yeah, I was tossing and turning all night. Had really bad heart burn so I moved to the couch, I sleep better on it anyways."

"You should have woke me."

Pam waved her hand.

"No problem..."

Ryan smiled and then very gently tilted his head to kiss her.

Ryan and Pam had been living together for a little over two months. The merger at Dunder Mifflin had gone off without a hitch, and in the end it was only Jim and his girlfriend Karen left.

As expected Jim hadn't taken the news about Pam and Ryan very well. He ignored her for most of the first day which had slowly been a train wreck thanks to Michael. That night Ryan and Pam walked out and Pam noticed how close Jim and Karen was. She fought back the jealously that dug at her while she gathered her things. On their way out Ryan forgot some papers and handed Pam the keys telling her to start the car. Running back inside Pam walked the rest of the way feeling a horrible overwhelming feeling to start crying. Today wasn't what she expected.

That's when Jim walked over.

"Hey Beesly."

Pam was slightly taken off guard before she smiled.

"Hey Jim...enjoy your first day?"

She wanted to slap herself for sounding so stupid but the truth was she was nervous. Jim smirked before looking down at his shoes for a moment.

"So...you and Ryan?"

"Jim..."

Jim shook his head.

"No, it's okay...sorry I was just a little taken off guard with that one. And a baby...wow feels like I've been gone longer..."

"Jim please..."

Jim shook his head.

"No, it's okay...I'm happy for you. That's really awesome Pam...you're going to make a great mother. I'm dating Karen by the way...just thought you should know..."

He was stumbling over his words before his mouth twitched.

"It's good to see you Pam...

"Jim wait..."

But Jim ignored her, hurrying to his car. Pam knew he was upset and wanted to run after him but just then Ryan strolled behind her.

"Hey, whats wrong?"

Pam tried her hardest to block her tears before she forced a smile.

"Oh nothing, come on..."

The first week had been painfully slow as the new members of Stanford adjusted to the madness of Michael. Pam meanwhile stayed behind her desk, trying to keep busy watching Ryan at his desk and Jim's back. Every time Karen came over to him it crushed her.

One day she wanted to slap herself. Enough was enough, Karen and Jim were together end of story. Looking over at Ryan as he typed away she sighed. He really had been trying his best and they were trying to make a go at it. She had never really been close with Ryan but for that brief time they were sleeping together with no strings attached she began to see what he was really like. Now with the baby on the way he hadn't turned her away or acted like a jerk. He had been supportive, and really great about all of it. In fact as Pam hated to admit this to herself, he seemed more excited than she did.

Pam's parents thought Ryan was a nice enough guy but her mother had warned her that moving in with him was going to be a mistake. But Pam blamed her actions mostly on the fact she was lonely and really couldn't help it.

Living with Ryan had been the complete opposite than living with Roy. Ryan believe it or not was a very neat and tidy guy for his age. Sure he had a few clothes thrown on the floor, but the bathroom was always kept nice and his business books and school papers were always stacked in order on the coffee table in front of the couch.

Pam felt awkward moving in, most of all trying to figure out the sleeping arrangements. Ryan had first said he would stay in the guest room until the baby came but Pam insisted that he keep his bed. In the end both decided to share a bedroom even though Pam often snuck out to sleep on the couch.

Ryan urged Pam to make the condo her own, since he didn't have much furniture and it wasn't exactly cozy. Pam lived out of boxes the first few weeks until finally she began to relax. She viewed Ryan more of a roommate more than anything and it helped that they both shared the same hours at the same work. Most nights Ryan and her would either order out or cook dinner. He would either go to class or sit on the couch studying while Pam curled up on the opposite end of the couch and sketched.

Pam had gone to see Ryan's mother again and she had taken her out to lunch and to the mall. Judy was a very laid back woman that never judged or made Pam feel uneasy. It was clear she loved her son and was hoping all that school would pay off for something.

"Just think, he thought that temp job wasn't going to amount to anything."

Judy had winked at Pam making her smile.

Ryan and Pam had in fact begun sleeping together. At first it seemed weird with everything that was going on. There really wasn't a label for what they were, just that they were living together and expecting a baby. Ryan and Pam read the pregnancy books and did a little research on line. Pam felt slightly overwhelmed but at their last doctor's visit Ryan seemed more excited than a little kid. He sat beside Pam squeezing her hand as the doctor, a very friendly woman explained what to expect. Everything seemed in order and printed out the ultrasound photo which looked more like a fuzzy image of nothing.

Ryan meanwhile proudly displayed one photo on their fridge and the other on his desk in the office. Pam caught Jim looking at it more than once frowning. One day Michael had come up behind Ryan and squinted at the photo.

"What's that?"

Ryan looked up from his paperwork.

"That's the baby."

Michael smiled.

"It's going to be hot, I can all ready tell."

Dwight glanced over and made a face.

"Looks like an alien."

That's when Jim got up and stormed to the kitchen. Pam watched him sighing.

Ryan had in fact brought up how Jim was acting and Pam shrugged saying she hadn't noticed. Ryan asked if anything ever went on between the two of them and Pam brushed it off saying that Jim had a crush on her a really long time ago but she was with Roy then and wasn't interested. Ryan didn't seem the slightest bit surprised at this and just nodded.

For Thanksgiving they had spent it at Pam's. Feeling a little uneasy about welcoming Ryan to the nut house otherwise known as her mother and father's house, she arrived with him that chilly morning only to have her sisters all run at her at once. A million questions were asked as they dragged her away. Ryan meanwhile stood there like a deer in the headlights before Pam's father slapped him on the back offering him a beer.

By the end of the night all of Pam's sisters were excited about the baby, and all thought Ryan was cute. Pam was grateful her grandmother hadn't come to year since the judgment that could be casted from that woman was enough to make you want to crawl under a rock and die. That night Ryan drove them home and Pam stared at him smiling.

"Thank-you."

Ryan glanced over.

"For what?"

Pam remembered how often Roy would drag her to his family's house and more than once him and his brother would get drunk and pass out in front of the TV.

"It's just...the first real nice Thanksgiving I've had in a long time."

Ryan grinned at her before they continued to drive. That night they slept together. The next morning Pam found herself in his arms. Taking a second she laid there and for some strange reason all of her worries seemed to drift away. She stared at his sleeping face and smiled before nuzzling in close, smelling the scent of soap and shampoo. She laid there not thinking about the future, or Jim, or the fact she was second guessing herself every single moment.

Now Christmas was coming as was the snow. Pam had a lot on her mind to really focus on the holidays, but just last week Ryan had taken her over to his mother's to show how a typical Jewish family celebrated the holidays. Pam had a wonderful time and was puzzled when Judy asked what religion the baby was going to be? Ryan rolled his eyes telling his mom to stop jumping the gun.

Pam had gotten Ryan something for Christmas and was pretty excited to show him. For the first time in a while she was excited about something and couldn't wait to see the look on his face.

Ryan had bought her a little mini plastic tree which was only three feet tall and set it up in the living room. Pam was very thankful and found it cute that he was trying to go to extra mile to make things nice for her.

Pam meanwhile had begun to nursery. Only here did she have time to think to herself and not feel overwhelmed. She was attempting to paint a tropical rainforest with tons of colorful birds. She kept the door locked and forbid Ryan to see it until it was finished.

Believe it or not despite everything, Pam was really happy.

Ryan's lips traveled down Pam's neck as she giggled.

"We're going to be late..."

Ryan ignored her and ran his hands through her hair before slowly lifting up her blouse. Pam laughed through the kisses before he walked her backwards to their bed. Pam sat down as he did the same, right away Pam began to tug on the tie she just finished tightening for him. Ryan went underneath her blouse and began to cup her breasts before Pam laid herself backwards and laughed looking at the alarm clock on the nightstand.

"We need to be at work in fifteen minutes..."

"I'll make it quick."

Ryan said as he crawled on top of her and unzipped his fly. Pam laughed before shaking her head and tugging down her skirt. One thing she had to laugh about was her hormones. Never before did she act like this, not even when she was a teenager.

Ryan entered her making her stiffen for a second. Pam took a moment before opening her legs some more and smiling up at him as she placed her hands on his shoulders.

"Okay, let's see what you got."

Ryan started to crack up before he nuzzled her face and covered her mouth with his. Taking a second he thrusted in, making their bed creak before doing it again. Pam held onto him tighter before tilting her head back. Knowing they were going to be late for work.

They were.

Coming in a half an hour late, Pam muttered something that she hadn't been feeling well but nobody seemed to notice besides Jim who glanced up for a moment and then looked back down.

While sitting there as Angela rushed around saying nothing was ready, Pam glanced over at Ryan and met his eyes. Winking at her, he made her smile.

"Would love to help, but I got kicked off the board remember?"

Pam stuck her tongue out at him before he laughed and headed to his desk. Smiling, Pam put out her Christmas candy and began to take messages and answer the early morning phone calls. All the meanwhile glancing up every once in a while to watch Ryan who was busy at his desk. She caught his glance a few times and smiled whenever he saw her looking and winked back.

For the first time in a while she felt certain about something, no matter what the turn out would be her and the baby were going to be okay.

A half an hour later after going to the bathroom for what seemed like the 100th time, Pam made herself a nice hot cup of tea and called Jim over to her desk. Ever since he came back and found out about her and Ryan things had been weird. They barley spoke anymore. In fact Pam noticed at meetings Jim would avoid sitting anywhere near her or Ryan. He was always with Karen and Pam didn't know if she was being crazy, but she suspected more than once that Jim would force affection or the idea he was having a good time with Karen just to watch for her reaction. Pam hated to admit it but she did feel sorta weird about the whole thing even though she kept reminding herself over and over again that she had made her choice and she needed to move on.

There were no longer long talks at her desk, or pranks on Dwight, spending lunch together, or walking each other to their cars. Instead now Ryan was part of her life. He was the one she now could see at all times from her desk. He was the one who sat with her at lunch and often brought her tea whenever he got up for his morning cup of coffee. Ryan was the one she sat with at meetings and at the end of the day walked with him to their car.

Kelly of course shot them plenty of dirty looks, but everyone else acted as if it was everyday nature for what was happening between the two of them. Phyllis had commented to Pam once or twice that she had always thought her and Jim would end up together, but Ryan was cute and she was sure their baby would get his big blue eyes. Always Pam wouldn't be able to find the right words to say to any of that and just stumble out something and feel nervous. She couldn't explain it, nor wanted to.

Michael of course was the only one that still teased them that they were together and always had questions for Pam about the pregnancy and seemed to always ask if he could be the godfather. Ryan of course would joke about this later when they were having dinner, but the truth was Pam would feel beyond Packard whenever this was happening. She would glance over and see Jim's shoulders lower. She knew he was upset and wished she could just get the chance to talk to him.

She just wanted things to go back to normal.

Clearing her throat she asked Jim over to her desk when Ryan got up to use the restroom. Jim seemed a little taken off guard as Pam nervously handed him the file.

She explained to him she wanted to give him his Christmas gift early, as Jim flipped through it. This was something she had been planning for the last month or so and thought it was a great prank Jim would enjoy...something they used to go before...

But instead Jim pushed the file down explaining that he thought now that he was promoted he shouldn't be doing stuff like that. Right away Pam felt as if she wanted to crawl underneath a rock and die. Trying to hide the fact she was embarrassed she just nodded as he walked back to his desk. Throwing the file out, Pam buried her face down in some paperwork, wanting to slap herself for being so stupid. For some strange reason she wanted to cry.

Knowing it was just her hormones, she got up and silently went to the kitchen, knowing Jim was watching her.

At that exact moment she bumped into Ryan who was fixing himself a second cup of coffee, looking up he smiled, a candy cane in one hand.

"Hey..."

Pam looked at him and suddenly felt relieved. She honestly never thought she would feel that way looking at him. He stood there in his black slacks, white button up shirt, and blue tie. His hair was shorter now and somehow at that exact moment she thought of their condo together. How for the last couple of months how wonderful he had been with her and how just this morning they had sex and she never felt so alive and wonderful before in her life.

This was the man who was at least trying with her.

Smiling, she felt proud this was the man who she was having a baby with. Underneath it all Ryan really was a good person who would never make her feel like the way she felt now. Pam smiled before walking closer, right away Ryan raised an eyebrow.

"You okay?"

Pam nodded quickly and tried to laugh.

"Yeah, just my hormones...I gotta meet with Angela and the others to finish planning the party."

Ryan smiled.

"Sounds like fun."

Pam smiled before walking closer to Ryan.

"Hey, how about we ditch this place early tonight?"

Ryan raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah?"

Pam nodded quickly.

"Yeah, these parties aren't any good anyways...I'll just say I'm not feeling good and we'll leave an hour in, sound good?"

Ryan smiled.

"Awesome..."

He then looked out the door window and sighed.

"Good, Michael has been sulking all morning, God knows what he's doing in his office."

Pam nervously laughed before leaning over and kissing his cheek, catching him a little off guard.

That afternoon, Ryan got out of having to go to lunch with Michael, Jim, Dwight, and Andy. Around that time Pam also had been trying her best to be friends with Karen. She seemed like a nice enough girl and didn't want to make waves. As much as Jim pissed her off she wanted to show she was the better person.

Both had stood up to Angela and got a good laugh out of it, but now just as the snow outside began to fall, Pam switched the phone lines to voice messages. Getting her stuff, she saw Karen notice and walk over.

"Hey, your not leaving are you?"

Pam smirked.

"I'm not feeling so hot, me and Ryan are gonna get home before it gets bad out."

Karen sighed.

"Aw, that's too bad...our party was beginning to sound like a lot of fun."

Pam laughed.

"Yeah, the look on Angela's face was great."

Karen laughed before Pam grabbed her bag.

"Everything you need should be in the supplies closet, Meredith will help you, I'm sure of it."

"Cool, well I hope you feel better...and thanks a lot Pam."

Pam smiled.

"Anytime Karen, have a good holiday."

Karen smiled before glancing over at Ryan who was getting his coat on.

"How long have you two been together?"

Pam took a second to think, this honestly wasn't a question she was used to.

"Um, a couple of months."

"Ryan seems like a really cool guy...the four of us should all get together for dinner or something soon."

Pam felt a lump in her throat before she smiled.

"Yeah sure..."

Karen looked down at her.

"Do you know what your having yet?"

Pam shook her head.

"We're finding out soon."

"That's awesome, I can't wait to have kids...listen Pam thanks again."

Pam smiled, feeling bad before tucking some of her air behind her ear.

"Anytime Karen, have a good time."

Walking around she met with Ryan who slipped in his hand into. Walking downstairs, he helped her across the icy lobby before getting into the car and starting home. The snow was begnning to really come down. Riding almost in silence, Pam sat back in the cozy car listening to Christmas music before glancing over at Ryan.

"I'm sorry I made you leave early..."

Ryan glanced over and made a face.

"Sorry for making me miss another nightmare otherwise known as a Christmas party? Trust me Pam you saved me."

Pam smirked.

"I think Karen's party was going to be good though..."

"Yeah until Michael comes back...trust me we got out just in time."

Pam smiled before watching the snow flakes hit the windshield. At that exact moment Michael and Andy walked back into the office with their new 'girlfriends' and were happily buzzed, not even notching that Ryan and Pam were missing.

Jim did though and right away glanced at Pam's empty desk and her attempt of a Christmas gift she had tried to give to him thrown in the trash. Sighing, he walked over to his desk to set his things down as Karen hurried over smiling with new stories of the party she was planning.

"You'll never guess what happened..."

"Where's Ryan and Pam?"

Jim cut off, Karen was holding plastic glasses and a box full of Mexican party flavors from last summer's cook out.

"Pam wasn't feeling good so her and Ryan went home. So, Angel is all pissed off because we're...

Her words faded out for Jim as he sighed. Right away he felt like a jerk, knowing he shouldn't have shut down Pam's gift like that, and that he wasn't kidding anyone. He was back in the same old trap, and nothing could help him.

Later that nigh Pam laid in the bathtub shutting her eyes and letting the entire day drift behind her. She was exhausted and her entire body was aching. Laying in the hot steaming water she tried to remember the last time she really had herself a bath let alone was able to enjoy it. Right away Ryan's arms came from behind her and wrapped themselves around her before his hands rested on her tiny bump of a belly. Ryan laid underneath her, his head tilted back and his hair slicked away. Both had been laying this way for some time now and had barley said a word. They were both tired and enjoying just laying there in each others arms.

When both came home Ryan had made her dinner, and both then decided to draw a nice hot bath. Pam who was usually shy when it came to her being seen completely naked, most of all under such harsh light as there was in the bathroom, for the first time in a while didn't seem to care. She was tired and enjoyed laying there feeling safe with him.

Tomorrow she was going to surprise him with a video I-pod, something she had saved up for and was excited to see his reaction.

He had saved up nearly two whole paychecks to buy her the gift he had wrapped nearly two months before. It was a silver bracelet, which he had been beyond nervous about buying, having no idea if she would like it or not.

Both were excited for each others reactions with the gifts since both had agreed they were just going to but furniture for the nursery and not give each other any gifts for the holiday.

Laying there, Pam moved slightly before turning over, laying against his naked body. Both had been in the water for a while now, and Pam was planning on drying off soon and going into her old bath robe and curling up beside him and falling fast asleep. Now that seemed like a Christmas party to her.

Ryan cracked open one eye and smiled at her before Pam began to gently kiss his chest. Laughing softly, Ryan ran one of his hands through her long red hair before holding her closer. Laying against his chest, Pam smiled before whispering in his ear...

"Marry Christmas Ryan Howard..."

Smirking, Ryan held her closer.

_**Present **_

She hadn't seen him in hours.

He wasn't in the closet or out back.

She had looked everywhere, trying her hardest to be casual.

That's when she noticed his car was missing. Gulping, she knew something was wrong.


	6. Chapter 6

_**Present**_

Pam wasn't surprised the next day when Ryan didn't show up to work. She hadn't bothered trying to text or call him. He was upset and in all honestly she thought maybe this was finally the big blow up they needed. Thinking back just a few years ago she shook her head. Things happened too quickly. They hadn't planned for any of that and before they knew it they were living together and ready to raise a baby together. They hadn't been smart about any of it and the way it resulted had been horrible. Now Pam had finally picked up the pieces of her life, while Ryan was destroying his.

She now had her own family and had to focus on that. The past was the past and as much as she hated to think this way...it had all been one awful mistake. Maybe that's why things ended the way they did...because they weren't meant to be.

Three days passed and still no Ryan. The sad things was, nobody really noticed. Ryan's job, or whatever he did now was beyond low key. He came in whenever he wanted and took days off at a time. This wasn't unusual but Pam knew after their talk in the cemetery something was wrong.

Finally she asked Kelly if she had seen him. Kelly shrugged, trying to apply some new lipstick and said she had tried calling him but he was in one of his moods and wasn't answering.

Pam decided to leave well enough alone. She needed to in gore what he was doing. She had a husband and a baby now, she couldn't worry about Ryan anymore.

_**2007**_

"What do you think?"

Pam asked wearing a faded T-shirt and paint covered loose fitting jeans. Her hair was tied up and she had a roller in her hand.

Ryan walked in and smiled looking at the nursery. Pam had just finished.

It was almost Valentine's day and it was lightly snowing outside. Ryan grinned looking at the brightly colored walls.

"Wow Pam...this is great."

"I was thinking we could put the crib here near the window...it isn't directly in the sun but it's still in a nice spot."

Ryan walked over and looked around before smiling.

"I think this is going to be great."

Pam smiled before Ryan took the roller from her and knelt down to put them away. Laid down plastic was everywhere. Pam stood there feeling the best she had in weeks. After the holidays she felt somewhat depressed. Things had been weird with Jim and she was seriously beginning to think she was falling for Ryan. They had been making love more than ever now and finally the reality of it dawned on her that she was in fact excited to have this baby. Lately she had been reading up on anything she could about the subject and was feeling extra exhausted. Her stomach was taking shape now and during the last doctor's visit everything seemed fine. Ryan seemed just as excited than her and both had sorta noticed Jim's new attitude towards them. Once Ryan told Pam if he said something again to tell him. Pam simply rolled her eyes saying that Jim was most likely just a little freaked out that this was what he came back to. She admired the fact Ryan was concerned but didn't want there to be a scene. After this past Christmas she no longer felt as close as she once did with Jim.

She knew their friendship could never be the same.

Ryan meanwhile had been wonderful. He lately had been showing her some of the old Jewish dishes his mother had taught him. Pam of course loved every single one and joked that by the time he was done she would be as big as a house.

Ryan had also finished night school. His graduation had been the month before. Pam and Ryan's mother went and stood up and started clapping like madwomen when his name was called. Pam joked that night during dinner that he looked very cute in his cap and gown.

She knew he was applying to different places and kept bringing up the fact that he wasn't too crazy about Dunder Mifflin, that sales wasn't his strong suit and he wanted a better paying job before the baby came.

Pam meanwhile worried. She liked it here despite everything. This was her home.

Pam stood there feeling good through, she had finished the nursery and now her and her mother and Ryan's mother could start planning the nursery. Pam of course had many sleepless nights of worrying, but whenever she woke up and saw Ryan peacefully sleeping beside her there was an odd sense of comfort.

"So what do you think about the rocking chair over there..."

Pam raised an eyebrow and saw Ryan on one knee in front of her. The rollers had been put off to the side. He had a tiny black box and opened it. A beautiful ring sparkled inside it.

"I know this is fast but..."

Pam just stared as Ryan grinned.

"Pam will you marry me?"

Pam's mind screamed to say no. That she was being stupid, to tell him marriage wasn't the answer. That this wasn't in the plan. They had decided. Instead Pam just looked down and almost as if she was in a dream she said...

"Yes."


	7. Chapter 7

_**Author's note -**_

_**Okay guys, I've read all the reviews I've been getting and if you haven't noticed I've stayed out of it. I understand my writing isn't for everyone, most of all my style/pairing, but the only thing I do find annoying is people picking apart my spelling and grammar. I know I can be pretty bad some times, and if nobody says anything it will go unnoticed, but in all honestly I just write for fun, and if anyone took the time to go on my profile, they would see I've mentioned this asking to please not post reviews simply on my errors. I am very much aware of them and I simply write for fun. I'm not offended at all by the positive and negative reviews this story has gotten. It's simply being written for Ryan and Pam fans, like it or hate it I do enjoy that people have taken the time to read it. No need to start fighting, I don't take it serious and either should you. I welcome any kind of reviews and I just hope everyone understands I just write these for fun. Thanks.**_

_**Present**_

"_**You okay?"**_

_**Pam snapped out of her thoughts as Jim smiled warmly and slid over a steaming hot cup of tea to her as she sat at their kitchen table that evening, spacing out and worrying.**_

_**Pam smiled up at her husband as he slid into the chair across from her, he had fixed himself a coffee and was in the process of pouring some sugar into the large red coffee mug.**_

_**CiCi was fast asleep in her nursery. Pam had put her down just a few hours ago.**_

_**Pam sighed, for the first time in a while she decided to be honestly. She now understood that the more she hid and bottled up these thoughts, it would simply drive her crazy. Jim was her husband, and she finally had the life she had always wanted...now she had to be honest after all this time. Sighing, she slowly turned her steaming mug around with her hands gently.**_

"_**Just thinking..."**_

"_**About what?"**_

_**Pam looked up.**_

"_**What happened between Ryan and I."**_

_**Jim frowned before Pam took a deep breath.**_

"_**I know...it's stupid but..."**_

"_**No it isn't, You've been through a lot...doesn't help that he still works here."**_

"_**He might not be too much longer..."**_

_**Jim raised an eyebrow before Pam gently smiled.**_

"_**If you haven't noticed he hasn't been in lately. I think I heard him say something about getting a new job or something."**_

_**Jim made a face.**_

"_**Most likely because he knows his days are numbered. If we do get a new manager this means he won't get away with murder...he's just beating the company to the punch."**_

"_**Yeah maybe..."**_

"_**What is it?"**_

"_**It's just..."**_

_**Pam struggled to say this and she tried not to look Jim in the eyes and just focused on her cup of tea.**_

"_**Things happened so quickly with Ryan, you of all people know that. Before it even stared it began and then the baby died...things got worse and then he went to New York and changed and you and me happened. I guess I always felt guilty about it, mostly after we became so serious and started this life together...Its like I never could fully enjoy myself since I knew he was always watching from a distance."**_

_**Jim sighed.**_

"_**Pam..."**_

"_**I know, it's stupid but it's the truth. I just wish things would have ended different between us. You see what's happening, we always pick fights, cause scenes, get on each others nerves...people talk in that office and I see it getting worse and worse. I just wish things would have ended different...you know?"**_

_**Jim reached across the table and gently rubbed Pam's hand.**_

"_**Pam, believe me...I have a feeling Ryan won't be around much longer."**_

"And there's your baby."

Pam grinned from the table as the doctor moved the small paddle across her very large pregnant stomach. She stared at the screen for the ultrasound and saw the outline of her baby perfectly moving around. Ryan had his tie loosened and was sitting beside her, squeezing her hand and smiling himself.

Their son was only a month away from being born, and a lot had happened these last few months.

Ryan and Pam were living together in his apartment and had been enjoying these last few months together. The news of their engagement spread quickly through the office, and the most surprised was Jim.

Comments were made, eyes were rolled, and of course everyone gushed over her ring, even Kelly who had thrown a pretty bad attitude towards them. Their families were happy, but her mother had brought up the one thing that had been lurking in the back of her mind.

Were they going too fast?

Pam tried not to think about it, the baby was coming soon and after that they could finally figure everything out. Pam honestly could believe it, that this was the life she had fallen into.

Ryan was excited for the baby, now with the nursery done, he couldn't seem to stop talking about him. They would toss around name ideas, and most nights when they were laying in bed he would place his ear to her stomach and listen, always laughing.

She couldn't believe she was falling in love with him.

"Everything looks fine, looks like your son is going to be a very big baby."

Pam rolled her eyes as Ryan laughed. The doctor switched a button and right away the sound of the heartbeat filled the room. Smiling, Pam laid back looking at the screen. She knew once the baby came everything could get figured out.

_**One week later...**_

Pam's back was hurting.

She sat at her desk shifting. Today had been a long boring day and answering calls were starting to get on her nerves. She couldn't wait to finally have some time off, lately she felt like a whale walking around and Michael was making sure she felt as awkward as possible.

Ryan was working at his desk, in the middle of yet another sales call. She had noticed how hard he had been trying lately and just this morning he seemed in an extra good mood walking in with her. She asked, and he said he thought he might have some good news coming up and would tell her once he was certain.

Jim and Karen at the time were applying for that new job in New York. Part of Pam hoped one of them would get it. Maybe then both would move away and finally she could stop feeling so guilty.

Pam slid her hand across her very large stomach, usually the baby would kick up a storm. Both Pam and Ryan had an inside joke that whenever he spoke the baby would know it was him and kick her even harder.

Instead there was nothing, Pam was grateful, all of last night he had been kicking up a storm and resting against her kidneys.

Spacing out, sketching on the back of a piece of paper, Pam thought back on these last few months. They had been good ones, even though she knew they were going by too fast for her own good. Glancing up at Ryan she softly smiled.

She was attracted to him and the two seemed to be working well together after only being together for a few months. Glancing down at her ring, she wondered exactly how they would be as a married couple. She loved him, but didn't know if it was the same way he loved her. Maybe he didn't love her like she thought he did? Maybe he was like her, at first pushed into this relationship and reality by the baby. Ready to face the future and be part parent to it and somehow work things out. The sex was great between the two, and they worked well together...but was that an excuse to get married? Were they rushing things and forcing to pretend they were something they didn't? Did she honestly see herself married to him when their son was in college?

Their son.

It still seemed so weird.

Pam had wanted to wait and see but Ryan insisted. The moment the doctor said she could tell it was a boy, something changed inside of her.

Ryan and her were having a son.

A little boy.

For the first time in months she wasn't scared. She was excited and felt a very strong feeling of love for this unborn baby growing inside of her.

She hoped he would take after Ryan.

As much as she didn't know about her future with Ryan, she knew she was excited and thrilled about her son.

Ryan had brought up a few ideas for names and all seemed nice. At this exact moment, Pam was very content with her life.

By the end of that day, Pam moved slowly. She felt stiff and her back was aching worse. Slowly she walked with Ryan to the car.

"You okay?"

Pam nodded.

"It's that stupid chair, been killing my back."

Ryan got into the car with her and eyed her as she shifted in her seat.

"You sure your okay?"

"Yeah, let's just get home I'm hungry."

Ryan grinned as he started the engine.

"So...I got a call today..."

Pam raised an eyebrow.

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah..."

Ryan began to drive down the street.

"Yeah...so don't say anything to anyone in the office but New York called."

Pam looked over, she could tell he was excited.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, and well...I got the position."

Pam did a double take and stared at him speechless. Right away Ryan grinned, trying to keep his eyes on the road.

"What?"

Ryan laughed, blushing slightly.

"It's set...I can't tell anyone until next week but I got the promotion."

"Oh my God Ryan that's wonderful!"

Ryan tried to keep from smiling but right away a grin appeared.

"Do you have any idea what this promotion means Pam? The salary, the benefits."

Pam smiled when suddenly it hit her.

"Wait, it's in New York right?"

Ryan looked at her for a second before taking the highway.

"Yeah of course, can't work from here."

Pam then thought about leaving Scranton. Her whole life was here, her work, family, friends...everything.

It also held lots of bad memories.

She had always dreamed about escaping, and now finally here it was.

"Would I go with you?"

Ryan made a face.

"Of course, your my fiance...and there is going to be somebody joining us..."

Ryan smiled glancing down at her stomach. Pam fight away felt panic flutter up inside of her. The same panic she felt when Ryan asked her to marry him.

"Um, well...when would you have to leave? We would move there right?"

"Of course."

"Like an apartment, those are expensive in the city...would the office help us find something?"

Ryan shrugged.

"I guess so, in no time the big money will start rolling in and we can get a bigger place, remember you said you always wanted to move there...think of the art schools."

"Um, what about the baby...I mean my job and my family..."

Ryan raised an eyebrow.

"Pam, you wouldn't have to work...you would stay home with the baby, and we're only a couple of hours away...we could visit whenever...come on Pam be excited, I know this is a lot but think of what we could do. I could try and enroll the baby in that private daycare that has that waiting list...we could afford it..."

Pam raised her hands.

"Whoa...lets slow down Ryan."

Ryan smirked.

"Sorry I'm just excited."

Pam tried to smile but found she couldn't This was too overwhelming. Once they pulled up in front of the building, Ryan killed the engine and reached over gently touching her face.

"You okay?"

Pam nodded.

"Yeah...I'm happy Ryan, that's wonderful news."

Giving him a quick kiss on the lips, she left the car, trying to hide the look of utter disappointment on her face.

_**Later that night...**_

Pam dreamed of what New York would be like. Was Ryan really right? Would it all be wonderful leaving everything behind? Could they start this new family and make it work?

All of these thoughts ended when she woke up with a start.

"Ah!"

Sitting up, she found herself in the darkness of their bedroom. A horrible pain was going through her like a cramp and it snapped her out of her sleep. Ryan was sleeping beside her when the pain came again.

Pam snapped her eyes shut.

"Ah!"

Right away she reached over and shook Ryan.

"Ryan!"

Ryan muttered in his sleep before she shook him again, the pain was dull but throbbing now and was making it hard to breath.

"Ryan!"

Finally he woke.

"What?"

He asked sitting up half asleep with a scared voice. Pam looked at him, trying not to panic.

"Ryan, something is wrong...my stomach, it hurts..."

Ryan snapped away right away, his eyes looked her over and she could tell in the darkness he was scared. Pam took a deep breath, the pain was starting to settle. For a moment she thought maybe it was just gas or a cramp. Instead she took a second and looked at him feeling like she was about to throw up.

"Ryan...I think I need to go to the hospital."

"Is it the baby?"

He asked, sitting up, his hands going to her. Right away Pam shook her head.

"I don't think so, I'm not bleeding but it hurt real bad...please can you take me?"

Ryan nodded.

"Yeah of course..."

Ryan fumbled for his glasses before nearly tripping out of bed and grabbing his shoes.

Pam watched him, trying not to panic. The pain was dull now, less cramping and seemed to be fading. Yet, she felt like something was wrong.

She hadn't felt the baby move in hours...

_**Later...**_

Pam laid on the table, dressed still in her sweatpants and a faded T-shirt. Ryan had taken her to the ER and both were brought in almost right away. The place seemed deserted, and the nurses were more than willing to help her into a wheelchair.

Laying there, she tried to get herself under control. The ride over the cramp only came once more, enough to make her cry out. Ryan watched her as if she was on pins and needles and almost lost control of the car.

He stood beside her in sweats, his glasses on, and his hair messy. He nervously bit his nails as the on call doctor gently felt her stomach asking her a few questions.

"When are you due?"

"Six weeks almost."

"How long have these cramps lasted?"

"On and off for about an hour, they aren't so bad now. My back has been hurting...do you think I could be going into labor?"

The doctor wheeled over the ultrasound machine, looking calm as he began to click it on.

"I don't think so, most likely the baby is in an off position, cramps like this are normal for woman in your stage of pregnancy. Just hold on a second..."

He rolled up Pam's shirt before squeezing some cold gel on it. Pam tried to get herself under control by breathing as Ryan glanced down at her, trying his hardest to give her a comforting smile.

It wasn't working.

"Okay, let's take a look..."

The doctor placed the paddle on her stomach and waited for a second before his brow wrinkled. Flicking on a switch a loud humming noise filled their small curtained off area. The doctor stared blankly at the screen only he could see contacted to the machine and pressed the paddle harder against Pam's stomach.

The humming happened again.

The doctor sighed before a nurse walked over, right away she leaned down and the doctor whispered something both couldn't hear. He pressed the paddle again and the humming still happened. Ryan watched before gulping.

"Everything is okay...isn't it?"

The doctor sighed before putting the paddle down and looking at them.

"Ms. Beesly, Mr. Howard...I'm very sorry but...there's no heartbeat."


	8. Chapter 8

_**Present**_

_**Pam stood in the cemetery looking down at the tiny little grave. She hadn't been here and so long and in all honestly this was the last place she wanted to be.**_

_**The wind was blowing and Pam stared down almost in a trance.**_

_**Jim was home, so wasn't their daughter.**_

_**Her family...**_

"_**Well, well, well...never expected to see you here."**_

_**Pam turned, her eyes all ready annoyed. **_

_**Ryan stood there, hands in his slacks' pockets. He glared at her.**_

_**Pam looked over at him.**_

"_**Have you been following me?"**_

_**Ryan walked past her, looking down at the grave.**_

"_**Don't flatter yourself Pam, I come here every night."**_

_**Pam made a face.**_

"_**Every night?"**_

_**Ryan shot a look at her.**_

"_**Yeah every night. You might have a husband and a baby back home but I don't..."**_

_**Ryan motioned towards the grave.**_

"_**This is my only real family, you might try to forget about it but I can't."**_

"_**YOUR NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO LOST THIS BABY! DID YOU HAVE TO HAVE HIM TAKEN OUT OF YOU? DID YOU HAVE TO LIVE WITH THE GUILT AND SEE WHAT YOU BECAME IN NEW YORK? HUH?"**_

_**Pam screamed at the top of her lungs. Ryan blinked staring at her, stunned by this outburst. Pam contented to breath heavy, her big gray colored eyes big and wild. Ryan stared at her before Pam shoved him.**_

_**Ryan stumbled back a few feet before Pam burst out crying.**_

"_**YOU HAVE TO STOP! I DON'T LOVE YOU! I NEVER DID! THE BABY DIED! STOP BLAMING ME!"**_

_**Ryan stood there for a second before grabbing Pam by the face and pulling her towards him. Roughly he pressed his lips against hers.**_

"Ryan..."

Pam said in a soft voice as the nurse placed the oxygen mask over her face. They were in the delivery room, and besides a few machines ticking and beeping, there was a horrible silence that filled the room. Nobody was rushing around, there was no chaos, but stone set faces as they went about what had to be done.

Pam's mother and sister sat out in the waiting door.

Ryan was in scrubs and held Pam's hand. His eyes wide and bloodshot with tears. He was in shock and knew that the doctor who was performing this surgery on Pam wanted to give him something to relax after this was done.

Ryan knew he was in shock and everything was going by much too fast. It was seven hours since they found out their baby was dead. Now they were in the process of taking his corpse out of her.

The baby was dead.

It seemed so unreal. Just yesterday Ryan felt him sicking inside of her. Now he was being told the baby was dead. He prayed deep down inside, hoping almost with an aching heart that the machine and doctors were wrong. That they would do this and his heart would drop from his throat the second he heard crying.

Their baby couldn't be dead.

They were going to do to New York. They were going to get married. The promotion, knowing he was falling in love with her, their son on the way...no, this wasn't all for nothing. Life was going good for them, Ryan was scared and excited and really hopeful in the first time in years.

He was starting his life with her...

Now all of that was shattered.

Pam laid back as the sedation took hold. She was just as much in shock than him. She broke down earlier when her mother and sister came and couldn't make any decisions. Ryan almost in a trance made them with her mother.

Now here he was.

He held her hand, looking down at her pale face. Her lovely red hair back in a hairnet. Silent tears rolling down her face.

The doctor was blocked off by a divider from her waist. Ryan watched him as he cut into her stomach. Ryan shut his eyes listening to the monitors beep before he saw more blood when he glanced over. Trying to take deep breaths he felt faint and continued to hold Pam's hand.

"Here we are..."

The doctor said behind his mask and reached inside Pam and lifted out the baby. An off noise of him being pulled from her filled the room and there he was.

Their son.

The baby was a blueish gray and laid lifelessly in the doctor's gloved hands.

Right away Ryan saw what had killed him.

His cord, a terrible long bloody thing was wrapped a few times around his neck. The doctor sighed handing the dead baby to the nurse before cutting the cord.

Ryan shut his eyes, feeling an ache pound in his chest.

"I'm very sorry..."

The doctor said, but his voice seemed very far away...

_**Present **_

_**Pam wasn't thinking**_

_**She laid in the backseat of Ryan's car, underneath him gasping for air. Everything was happening so fast. Ryan laid on top of her, kissing her in a frenzy making her feel as if she was spinning. Right away his hands began pulling down at her slacks.**_

"_**No...this can't be happening...no...this is wrong..."**_

_**But it was too late.**_

_**Pam continued letting Ryan kiss her, before hearing the sound of his yank down his fly.**_

"_**This is really happening..."**_

_**She thought, feeling herself get lost. **_


	9. Chapter 9

_**Author's note **_

_**Guys I'm glad to have everyone's views. This will be the last chapter, but you'll see I'm using a twist I've used before in another Office story I wrote about a year ago with the characters of Ryan and Pam. Many may say I just did this twist because of all the negative feedback but this was something I thought of before simply because I agree certain characters don't go well together, but I often write Pam and Ryan together since it's something different, but I always go back to the same reality. Love it, hate it, whatever I'm glad I got everyone's view on it. But I'm sticking to what I originally said, I write for fun, let it be a good story, a bad story, or a horrible story. Read this last chapter or not, just stay respectful, I would like to think I have. Thanks.**_

As Ryan's mouth covered Pam's, she felt the whole world beginning to spin. Laying back, she gasped for air as his hands slid up her blouse.

"_No, I can't...this is wrong..."_

She thought to herself. She had everything back home...everything. A husband, a beautiful daughter, that was what counted, not the biggest mistake of her life that wouldn't go away. She remembered how empty she felt in the hospital after they had taken her son out of her.

How emotionless Ryan's eyes were. How her parents came and she flung her arms around her mother when she approached her hospital bed. How many long hours she cried, mourning the baby that had been a part of her.

The nurse asked if she wanted to see him one last time, Pam shook her head and refused dispute what her mother said. Instead all she wanted to do was forget. The doctor came in and gave her something and a few minutes later all she could do was stare off as her mother gently stroked her hair.

The next morning Ryan came to her, his eyes raw and exhausted looking.

He had stood there looking at her before Pam's face crumpled.

"How could I have been so stupid?"

Ryan looked taken aback by this, blinking he stared.

"What?"

Pam's parents had left to go speak with the doctor, her mother had stayed with her through the night. Now it was early morning, sunlight drifted through the window as Ryan stood there, just a few feet away. Ryan had been the cause of all this. Ryan had been the one who did this. He was the one that got her pregnant, was the one who had forced her into this, had rushed her when she still wasn't completely sure what she was doing with her life.

Within a split second she saw the last nine months and how many mistakes she had made pretending what Ryan and her had was real.

Pam silently slipped off her ring.

"Ryan, I don't know why we even thought this would work..."

"Pam..."

"The baby is dead Ryan."

"Pam please..."

Pam shook her head, tears filling in her eyes.

"This was all a lie...something I pretended was going to work, but somehow knew all along that it would end up like this. I've never loved you Ryan, I tried to tell myself I did and I think why I said I would marry you was because I thought it would be better for the baby. This...all this, even the baby was a mistake..."

"Don't say that..."

"It's true, now we have no reason to keep pretending...take the job in New York Ryan...take it...but I'm not going with you."

"What?"

"I'm sorry..."

Ryan stared at her before his own face crumpled in anger. He glared at her before holding back his own tears and storming out of the room. Pam sat there in the thick silence before she broke down crying.

After Pam was released from the hospital the baby was buried. Pam refused to go but her parents did. They said it was a private service that only Ryan and his own mother attended. Pam recovered at her mother's, and Ryan still didn't bother to contact her. She expected him to call or try to see her, but for a few days there was doing.

Night after night Pam laid awake, now feeling her stomach which now longer held her baby and felt completely empty. She just wished she could erase this year...

Finally Ryan called, his voice flat sounding. He told Pam he was moving out of his place and needed her to get her things. Pam hadn't heard much from work and suspected he had gotten the job. The next morning her mother and herself drove down to box up her things.

On the ride over she asked her mother if she believed she was making a mistake?

Pam's mother sighed as she drove.

"Honey, I think you were right. I think the baby was the whole reason you two tried to make this work. I never heard once about him before, it was always Jim. I think you need to make the right choices for yourself..."

When they got there Ryan answered. He was wearing a T-shirt and jeans. The moment Pam locked eyes with him she felt a dull ache in her chest. Ryan quickly dropped his gaze and mumbled a hello before moving aside.

It was awkward and Pam wasn't surprised when she saw most of Ryan's things boxed up.

Ryan pointed to several boxes stacked near the door.

"That's everything..."

He stood back before Pam's mother walked forward and picked one up. Pam knew that usually if it was any other time Ryan would have offered to help, instead he just stood back arms crossed and watching.

Pam's mother glanced at the two of them before hurrying down the stairs. Pam stood there for a moment before clearing her throat.

"So your leaving?"

"Yeah in a week..."

"Ryan..."

"No, I can't...I lost a child too...I get that you didn't love me, I get that the baby didn't matter..."

"Ryan..."

"Well I'm moving on, if you want to pretend we didn't have a future that's fine with me."

"Do you want me to quit?"

Ryan glared at her.

"Hopefully I'll never see your face again."

This hurt Pam as he stared at him, suddenly she became angry as he turned away from her and headed down the hall. Following him, she stopped in the doorway of the last room.

It was the nursery.

The walls were all repainted over.

It now looked like a bare room.

Pam looked around before shaking her head.

"I'm not going to quit my job Ryan, I don't care how much people talk, or how uncomfortable things will be...I was there first, and even if you're going to be my boss...I don't care because I'll always remember you as the stupid temp that walked in and ruined my life."

Ryan stared at her before smiling.

"And what try to see if it's not too late with Jim?"

Pam stared at him before Ryan shook his head.

"Don't pretend I didn't know...I was the second choice, the one who settled for. The one who got you knocked up and trapped. Well guess what...that mistake is dead now, you're free. Go back to that stupid office building, and keep pieing for Jim from afar, I'm going to New York and start my life..."

Sighing Pam nodded.

"Fuck you Ryan..."

Ryan stared at her before she walked back, fighting back tears.

Pam returned to week later that week. She expected plenty of looks and whispers.

Michael called her into his office and was surprisingly respectful. He said how sorry he was and asked if she needed anything. Pam who couldn't believe she was holding back from her own tears said no. Before leaving she asked if Ryan had said anything and Michael said no, he just collected his things after hours and left in a hurry.

The day was beyond long and she couldn't stand Angela's glances and Kevin's awkward smiles. Finally Jim leaned over, a small sad smile on his face.

"Hey..."

Pam looked up.

"Hi..."

Jim glanced back at Karen and then looked back.

"Listen, you wanna get a coffee later and talk?"

Pam slowly nodded.

"I would like that a lot."

Jim reached down and patted her hand.

"No problem..."

During lunch Pam and Jim took the short ride to the coffee shop. Karen kept giving her looks of pity from the desk before telling Jim she had a ton of work to catch up on and to go without her. At the coffee shop. Pam burst out crying, Jim listened and tried his hardest to comfort her.

"Did you ever love him?"

Jim asked finally. Pam looked at him with red rimmed eyes.

"I thought I could...but after the baby...I know I was just trying to convinced myself..."

A week later Karen and Jim had broken up. Karen left the branch shortly after.

Pam found a new apartment and slept many sleepless nights thinking about the baby. She wondered honestly if things would have been different. How long she could have kept this up.

Her thoughts always went back to the baby, her hands would find her scar and she would try to think of what her son would have looked like if he had lived. What kind of mother she would have been, and mostly what her life would have been like.

She began to talk to Jim more, he was a great comfort to her those next few months, when depression had settled down on her. Kelly had tried to make a few cheap jabs at her, and Michael of course looked a little uneasy whenever he mentioned him, but nevertheless Jim was there with her...she had missed her best friend.

Soon Jim asked her out.

It wasn't long after that things began to slowly change for Pam. Things were going well with Jim, and the pain that often had weighed her down since the baby died was very slowly starting to be manageable.

She was falling in love.

But this time it seemed so different, so much better and real.

Ryan finally visited the branch and it was a train wreck. She saw how much he had changed, how all this success had gone to his head and the front he was trying to put up. The moment she heard he was coming to check in on the branch she laid awake unable to sleep worrying. The next morning before work Jim ensured her everything was going to be okay. If Ryan wanted her gone, he would have all ready done something. This was his choice and if he gave her any grief to just call up David Wallace.

Pam had thought about how close she was of choosing to going to New York with him before the baby died. How she was willing to risk everything and move to that strange big city with him, still believing she loved him and could make this all work.

When he finally walked in Pam's heart dropped.

He looked nothing like the person she once knew. He had changed. He wore an expense suit, his hair gelled back, and his face with a well groomed 5 o'clock shadow. Pam's nose stung from the scent of his cologne.

He eyed her and quickly his glance went away. Moments later Michael rushed out of the office.

That day Pam stayed away from Ryan, even stayed out of his meetings. She knew people were talking, but tried to ignore it. The only thing that kept her going was Jim's smiles to her from across the room.

Kelly shot her looks, and so didn't Angela.

Everyone knew, Pam couldn't believe how stupid she had been. Did she honestly believe she could keep working here? By the end of the day Pam was on edge, every time she looked up she would see him across the room glaring at her.

Finally at the end of the day when Jim got up to the break room, he went over to her. Clearing his throat he asked how she was doing, Pam, taken off guard looked up as he stared down at her.

This was the man she had a baby with, the baby who had gone...part of the past she was not only ashamed of, but wished didn't exist.

"Hey..."

He said in a low voice. Pam stared up at him speechless before he reached down and gripped her hand.

Pam right away felt uncomfortable as he leaned down.

"Listen, I need to talk to you, wanna get out of here?"

Pam looked at him, at first unable to speak. Just then Jim came through the door and Pam felt panic flutter in her heart.

"Um...I can't."

"Pam please..."

"Ryan...I'm with Jim..."

"What?"

His expression dropped as Jim strolled over.

"We're together..."

Ryan just stared at her before glancing back at Jim who took a seat at his desk. Pam saw pure hate in his eyes as he looked back down at her and his face crumpled with anger.

"Oh...well good for you two...awesome...I'll see you later..."

"Ryan..."

Ryan walked away. That night Pam told Jim over dinner how guilty she felt, which Jim squeezed her hand and said there was nothing she could do.

Within the matter of that year Pam slowly watched from a distance as Ryan destroyed himself.

It was clear he was jealous and often lashed out at Jim. Several times Pam was so angry she just wanted to confront him. Instead she held her ground and watched as Ryan began to slowly spiral downward.

They never once talked or even looked at each other.

Then finally came the day Pam watched Ryan get arrested online. Everyone looked at her with pity filled eyes but Pam felt nothing. She watched as he was handcuffed and lead away. He had destroyed himself with greed and drugs.

It was after that Pam visited the baby's grave with Jim.

After Pam made the choice to start living for herself. She began to plan on looking into art schools, and was living with Jim.

Time slowly went by and half a year later she was informed Ryan was coming back to temp at the office.

Pam was outraged but knew it was Michael's choice. The day came when Ryan walked in, by then she was all ready in New York at school. Jim told her very little, just that he was keeping to himself and still acting like a jerk.

When the announcer came out that Jim and Pam were engaged, Ryan silently left the office and sat in his car gripping the steering wheel.

He hated them for this, in fact he wished the same misery that happened to him would happen to Jim.

Pam returned from art school ashamed, and Ryan began to see Kelly on and off. Both stayed away from each other and spoke barley more than a few words a week to each other when possible. Ryan tried to apologize to Jim, not really meaning it and just blaming that he had been under a lot of stress. Jim tried to keep the peace, but as the days dragged on he noticed how many dirty looks Ryan was giving him from across the room.

Time went on and Ryan left yet again.

Pam thought it was for good and returned slightly ashamed after failing school, but with a much better outlook with herself and Jim. This time everything felt right, none of it was forced and she never had to second guess herself.

Then he was back.

Pam wanted to scream at Michael when he took her to the bowling alley. Here he was, after all this time standing behind the counter, his hair bleached, and his once youthful looks now begging to fade. He looked used up, tired, and most of all filled with regret. Both glared at each other and they tried to make digs at each other.

Right away Pam saw the mistake she was making in following Michael to start his own business.

It wasn't fair, Ryan had all ready had his chance to make it, now here she was taking this stupid risk and yet again her past was here, thrown into her face to make her deal with the facts that as long as she stayed here...Ryan wasn't going anywhere.

She hated him for it.

Jim told her if she honestly felt uncomfortable to just tell Michael it wasn't going to work. That the two of them would figure something out and she wouldn't have to deal with him. Instead Pam held her ground. This was the first time since she had left Roy, and made her choice not to go to New York with Ryan to finally do something for herself. She stayed and even though they only sat a few feet away in that tiny little room, they seemed miles apart.

It was Packard and any chance they had they would try to stay away from each other. Ryan stayed on his phone while Pam kept leaving to see Jim, her stomach always in knots. Soon the tension was too much to take and both began to argue more and more.

Pam wanted to scream he was nothing but a loser, that she hated him and just wanted him to go.

Then...her first sale came.

As Michael and herself were jumping up and down with excitement, Ryan hugged her on impulse. Right away Pam stiffened, this embrace made a million horrible memories come rushing back and Ryan saw it in her face and quickly let go.

That afternoon he asked if he could talk to her.

They went outside and Ryan said he just needed her to listen.

"I think we both know this joke of a company isn't going to work. We're most likely going to crash and burn but it doesn't hurt to take a chance. I think we can work together as long as it doesn't get too bad."

Pam stood there in disbelief.

Ryan struggled with his words before rubbing the back of his neck.

"I really don't have any place to go...I've been trying to get my shit together but Michael seems to be the only one who wants to take a chance on me."

Pam stared at him before clutching her purse to her shoulder. Jim would be coming down soon.

"Ryan, we're not friends...we're not anything. I'm doing this because I made a stupid impulse and now I have to deal with it. We can't erase what happened...but if we are going to work beside each other you need to stop this with Jim. He didn't do anything...and I love him. I'm going to marry him Ryan and I wish you would be happy. You need to stop this. What happened, happened. I wish it didn't but it did. Juts please...stop."

Ryan shot her a look before shaking his head.

"I won't be happy for you, but let's try to work like human beings."

Pam nodded before turning away.

Both didn't speak to each other for as long as they could. They came to the Michael Scott Paper Company every day, sitting beside each other and making delivery's. They only spoke when they needed to and it was mostly about work. Pam would watch Ryan's mother pick him up day after day while she waited for Jim.

Time passed and slowly they went back to Dunder Mifflin.

Before they were bought out and broke, Ryan confessed where he had really gone all that time. Pam suspected it was rehab but never questioned it. When Michael came back as manager and gave her the sales job she saw anger in Ryan's eyes but decided not to let it bother her. He was lucky enough to have his temp job back and she only prayed that within time he would grow sick of being back on the bottom and leave.

Then the baby came...

Pam remembered they announcing her pregnancy and how Ryan mumbled something and left the room.

That day Phyllis asked her in the break room how she thought Ryan was taking the news about the baby. Pam was slightly taken aback by this, but answered as honestly as she could. She told Phyllis that she was sure it was fine. Ryan and her had an understanding and they agreed to work beside each other and respect each others personal life's.

Pam began to notice how much Ryan avoid her during the pregnancy. When it came to the wedding, he made some excuse and was the only one who didn't show up. Pam understood why and kept her peace. She knew if it was the other way around she wouldn't have gone either.

Then the baby came, this time Pam sat up in the hospital bed terrified and screaming in pain as Jim held her hand. Through this whole pregnancy, she was haunted of memories of what had happened before. Dreams in which her baby stopped moving and if she delivered it would be gray and lifeless just like her son.

But in the end sweet relief swept over her when she heard the healthy cries of her daughter as she was lifted in the arm, kicking and squirming and placed in her arms.

Now here she was.

She was happy married, had an amazing daughter, and had somehow managed to take her working relationship with Ryan stay at a distance.

She laid underneath Ryan, tossing her head back and forth thinking how wrong this was.

That's when it hit her.

She missed the other baby.

Their son...

She missed him with all her heart it hurt. Laying there, feeling Ryan's soft lips go across her skin, she stared up and felt a single tear fall from her eyes.

Ryan stopped and stared down at her.

"Pam?"

Pam laid underneath him, staring up feeling completely heartbroken.

"I'm sorry Ryan...I'm so sorry...I do think of him."

"What?"

Ryan stared down confused. Pam laid there as more tears began to slowly trickle down from her faded gray eyes.

"The baby...I do think of him. I'm sorry Ryan...I'm so sorry...but it's Jim. I love him..."

Ryan just stared down when she heard a voice, distant and comforting echo through her head.

"_Pam?"_

Pam blinked as Ryan stared down at her when the voice came again, coming more into focus.

"_Pam? Earth to Pam?"_

_Pam blinked and found herself sitting in the back break room with Jim. Here she was, six months pregnant, sitting beside her husband and completely spacing out._

_Ryan stood near the sofa machine talking to Kelly._

_Pam had been staring at him._

_Jim smirked and waved his hand in front of her face before she snapped out of whatever she had been thinking._

_There had been no other baby, no relationship, no Ryan..._

_It had always been Jim._

"_Pam?"_

_Pam looked over at Jim and weakly smiled._

"_Sorry, guess I was spacing."_

"_Thinking of anything good?"_

_Pam watched as Ryan and Kelly left the room and sighed. Lately she had been thinking real strange thoughts about Ryan. She blamed the pregnancy, in fact just a month or so ago she had the most vivid dream Ryan had gotten her pregnant._

_She had lost thew baby, and in the end had chosen him._

_Or did she?"_

_She couldn't remember._

_Still, when she finally woke up she saw Jim sleeping beside her peacefully and her beautiful daughter in her crib just a few feet away._

_Now she was going to have her son...Jim's son._

_She had never been happier._

_She wrinkled her nose that this little day dream and sighed. Looking at Jim she smiled and leaned over kissing his cheek. Jim laughed._

"_What was that?"_

"_Nothing, just real happy..."_

_Smiling, Jim kissed her in return before going back to eating his lunch._

_Meanwhile Ryan stood near Kelly's desk, not really listening to her but looking in on Pam and Jim in the break room. Both were smiling and talking to each other._

_Sighing Ryan watched._

_He had always liked Pam. In fact a few years ago when he had just started in New York he had even tried to ask her out, hoping all this new success would impress her._

_Instead he had missed his chance._

_She was with Jim._

_It had always been Jim._

_Watching them he sighed, he wished deep down inside he had somebody special like them. He wished he had a nice girl like Pam, somebody he could settle down...maybe start a family with._

_Sighing, he shook his head and returned his gaze on Kelly as she talked about nothing._

_Pam looked up one last time, looked at Ryan and thought for a split second..._

"_He would be sorta cute if he wasn't such a jerk...maybe, just maybe if things had been different...maybe I would have gone out with him..."_

_Quickly those thoughts drifted away as Jim touched her hand and began to laugh about something. Smiling that him Pam thought..._

"_I'm a lucky woman..."_

_**The End**_


End file.
